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The One Where Heckles Dies

Episode 2.03

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Chandler breaks up with a woman because her nostrils are too big--yet another superficial reason to avoid a real relationship. Mr. Heckles complains again about the noise--it's disturbing his birds (he could have birds). Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey impersonate Janice. Mr. Heckles dies, apparently while hitting his ceiling with a broom because of the noise from above. Phoebe doesn't believe in evolution, which bothers Ross enough that he feels he has to convince her of the theory. Rachel and Monica inherit all of Mr. Heckles earthly possesions; while clearing out his apartment, they discover that Heckles was quite a funny guy in his time. Chandler is upset to find how much he has in common with Mr. Heckles, and in his determination not to die alone, he calls Janice... only to find out that she's married and pregnant. While trying to decide which of Heckles' things to keep, Rachel realizes that Monica doesn't consider the apartment to be "their" apartment.

The one where they said....

Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "Not hating Yanni," is not a real reason.

Phoebe: Okay, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. GO INTO THE LIGHT, MR. HECKLES!

Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: Too easy? Too.... The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms is... is too easy?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[There's a knock at the door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

Rachel: Have you ever seen so much crap?
Chandler: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

Ross: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

Phoebe: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? You know what I think? I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, okay? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same! Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction!

Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel: Ok, you win.
Monica: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
Chandler: Janice was my safety net, okay? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Why is that?
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies! Kids won't walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

Rachel: You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

Chandler (thinking): My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work! All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser... big head, big head, big head!


Written by Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
Directed by Kevin S. Bright
Larry Hankin as Mr. Heckles
Michael G. Hagerty as Mr. Treeger
Danny Dayton as Buddy Doyle
Maggie Wheeler as Janice
Aired 10/05/95, 1/11/96