Page Layout and Synopsis ©1999 by Darcy Partridge

The One With All The Resolutions

Episode 5.11

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Joey makes it possible for Monica and Chandler to kiss at midnight on New Years, by arranging kisses between Ross and Phoebe, and Rachel and himself. Everyone makes resolutions: Ross will do one new thing everyday; Chandler will stop making fun of his friends... for at least a week; Rachel won't gossip; Joey will learn the guitar; Monica will take more pictures of everyone together; and Phoebe will pilot a commercial jet. While on a date with a new girl (Elizabeth Hornswoggle) Ross' new pair of leather pants is so hot and tight that he can't get them back on after taking them off to cool down in the bathroom. He calls Joey for advice, which leads to attempts first with powder and then with lotion, which just make things worse. Joey's guitar teacher is Phoebe, who doesn't know any actual chord names. Rachel finds out about Monica and Chandler, and is dying to tell someone; she tries to tell Joey but he's so tired of keeping secrets, he won't listen. Chandler can't stand holding in the wisecracks.

The one where they said....

Joey: Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss your sister.
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler.
Ross: Aw, man! Really?
Joey: Dude, dude! Who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's a good point.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Okay, great!
Ross: All right.
Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Listen, Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!
Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?
Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So? Who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point.

Ross: You know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! You know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room? Or...

Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords, umm, but I... I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. So then, this is, "Bear Claw." Okay, umm, "Turkey Leg" and... "Old Lady."

Ross: They're still not coming on, man! Aand the lotion and the powder have made a paste!
Joey: Really? Uh, what color is it?
Ross: What difference does that make?!
Joey: Well, I'm just... If the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!

Chandler: Okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship, so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross? Phone call for you today: Tom Jones. He wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?


Teleplay by Suzie Villandry
Story by Brian Boyle
Directed by Joe Regalbuto
Sara Rose Peterson as Elizabeth Hornswoggle
Jack Allen as Ben
Charlie Allen as Ben
Aired 1/7/99, 4/15/99, 7/22/99