Page Layout and Synopsis ©1997 by Darcy Partridge

The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel

Episode 3.04

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Joey appears in an infomercial for the Milk Master 2000. Phoebe forgets to tell Joey about an audition... but makes it up to him by calling the casting director and pretending to be an agent; Joey asks her to represent him full time. Ross has a hard time accepting that his son plays with a Barbie doll; he tries to get him interested in more masculine toys. Chandler is scared of the "tunnel" of commitment until Joey convinces him to face his fears... but then Chandler overdoes it and scares Janice away for a while. Monica and Rachel welcome Chandler to "their side of the tunnel" and console him with ice-cream.

The one where they said....

Ross: Are you intrigued?
Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am!

Phoebe: Well, it was just... it was all so crazy, you know? I mean, Chandler was in the closet counting to 10, and he was up to 7, and I hadn't found a place to hide yet. I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See? All of it.
Joey: Yep, that's my audition.
Monica: See? Now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you to play.

Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends. She only talks to agents.
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead.

Phoebe (on phone): Annie, hi! Listen, we've got a problem with Joey Tribbiani. Apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle? No, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. Alright, so your husband leaves you and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.
Chandler: Is anybody else scared?

Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his... Barbie. What's, ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbie?
Carol: He picked it out at the toy store himself. He loves it.
Susan: He carries it everywhere. It's like a security blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross: Yeah, it's... it's... it's cute. Why... why... why does he have it, again?
Susan: So he's got a doll--so what? Unless you're afraid he's gonna grow up and be in show business.

Monica: I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey: I love that movie.

Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see Janice?
Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and then she took all my tomatoes.

Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right? But it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know? Face your fear. You have a fear of heights? You go to the top of the building. You're afraid of bugs? Get a bug, right? In this case, you have a fear of commitment. So I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man! Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Yeah. Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

Chandler: 'Cause I wanted to, uh, give you this.
Janice: Oh, are you a puppy! Contact paper! You never really know what to say when someone you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.

Chandler (leaving a message for Janice): Hey, Janice. It's me. Um, yeah, I... I just wanna apologize in advance for having chased you down the street.

Rachel: Okay, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler: She said she'd call me.
Rachel and Monica: Oh.
Chandler: Oh God.
Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
Rachel: Yeah, well that's that low-cal, non-dairy, soy milk junk. We sort of... we save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
Monica: You know, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.

Ross: Guess who's here! It's the toughest guy in toyland, Ben. A real American hero! I'm G.I. Joe! Drop the Barbie, drop the Barbie.
Rachel: G.I. Joe? You really think he's gonna fall for that?
Joey: G.I. Joe? Cool! Can I play?

Joey: That's okay. These things happen.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen. You know what? You're... you're in a terrible, terrible business. Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes your face look like that.

Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Chandler: Yeah-huh. I'm just, uh, you know... I'm just picking up some things for a party.
Janice: Barley? What kind of a party serves barley?
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.

Chandler: And then I just, you know, threw the bag of barley at her and ran out of the store.
Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be "aloof", not "a doof".

Monica: Oh wait, you know what? I got it, I got it! Pretend like you just woke up, okay? That'll throw her off. Be sleepy!
Rachel: Yes, and grumpy!
Chandler: What are you... stop naming dwarfs!

Rachel: He's so lucky. If Janice were a guy, she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.

Ross: Look, G.I. Joe's in, Barbie's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's just your "too bad."
Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.

Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you Bea.
Ross: Oh... God.
Susan: I've literally never been this happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a little song?
Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song.

Young Ross (singing): I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with me?


Written by Alexa Junge
Directed by Steve Zuckerman
Jane Sibbett as Carol Willick
Jessica Hecht as Susan Bunch
Maggie Wheeler as Janice
Charlie & Jack Allen as Ben
Edo Azran as Young Ross
Sierra Dawn Hill as Young Monica
Mike Levey as himself (uncredited, host of infomercial)
Aired 10/10/96, 1/2/97