Chandler finds out Monica gives terrible massages but doesn't want to tell her. When the truth comes out, Monica has a hard time accepting it. Joey is auditioning for a sophisticated part in a play, so Rachel offers to help him look the part. She outfits him at Bloomingdales, and part of the ensemble is a "man's bag," which bears a striking resemblence to a purse. Unfortunately, Joey's devotion to the bag ends up costing him the audition. Phoebe's grandmother dies; Ursula, who thought grandma was already dead, skips the memorial. The memorial does have one unexpected guest, however--Phoebe's father. Without revealing her true identify, she arranges to meet with him later, at which time she reveals the truth... but things are still a little awkward.
Phoebe: I'm okay, but, um, my Grandma sorta died. It's okay. I mean, she had a really incredible life.
And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, you know, she's gonna visit.
Rachel: Well, maybe... maybe she's with us right now.
Phoebe: Yeah right. Her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!
Monica: Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside!
Ross: Uh... Pheebs' Grandmother just died.
Monica: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Phoebe: It's okay. Actually, you know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like, you know, one life ends and another begins.
Monica: Not the way they're doing it.
Phoebe: The last thing she said to me was, "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." You know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.
Joey: But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No! No, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.
Phoebe: Oh! Get off! Ow! Oh, stop it! Why? Why are you doing that to me?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!
Monica: I give good massages! I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic!
Chandler: I don't like your massages.
Monica: See? It's no big deal.
Chandler: Okay, but now, see, you're crying!
Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.
Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!
Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.
Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!
Phoebe: Lilly's dead.
Frank Sr.: She's what?
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.