Page Layout and Synopsis ©1997 by Darcy Partridge

The One With Ross's Thing

Episode 3.23

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Ross finds a growth on his body but can't tell what it is; neither can anyone else. He visits his doctor, Chandler's doctor, and Phoebe's guru. Phoebe dates two guys: Vince, a burly fireman, and Jason, a sensitive teacher. She tries but can't decide which one to break up with. Pete is out of town and tells Monica, "We need to talk," which gets her worried. The gang goes with Monica to Pete's place see how a millionaire lives; Joey finds a stub for a $50,000 check to a ring designer; Rachel begins to plan Monica's wedding.

The one where they said....

Joey: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
Chandler: Or... Dick.

Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm, like, playing the field, ya know? Like juggling two guys. I'm sowing my wild oats. Ya know? Ya know, this kind of like, ya know, oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler.
Joey: So Pheebs--do they know about each other?
Phoebe: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? ...Okay, no, they don't.

Monica: Well that's it. People never say, "We need to talk," unless it's something bad.
Joey: Whoa! That doesn't necessarily mean he's breaking up with you.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

Jason: Uh, we'd better call the fire department!
Phoebe: No, no!
Jason: No? No?
Phoebe: Well, we don't... we don't need a fireman, we... need, like, a good mechanic. Oh my God, here they come! Well, we gotta get out of here!
Jason: Wha... wait! Why?
Phoebe: Look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one, okay?

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants... if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or, ha ha, we could go over there and pee on them.

Phoebe: Well, Vince is great, ya know, 'cause he's like a Guy guy. Ya know? He's so burly, he's so very burly.
Joey: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
Phoebe: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
Chandler: Well sensitive is important, pick him.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey: Oh sure, go with the sissy.
Phoebe: Jason is not a sissy!
Joey: Uh... no no no no, I meant Chandler.

Monica: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! Whoa! All right, less light! Bad light! Lights go away! Oh, see, you just need to find the right command.
Ross: Yes, and the dimmer switch.

Phoebe: That is the nicest kitchen.
Monica: I know.
Phoebe: No, but it's the nicest kitchen--the refrigerator told me to have a great day.

Pete: Hey Monica, how's it going?
Monica: Oh, itís, um, good! It's, um, itís good, just here watering the plants.
Pete: Well don't forget that fichus over there by Rachel.
Rachel: Uh... Chandler's on the couch!
Pete: I see him. You guys are just the worst hiders ever.

Rachel: Mon, you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" You know, I mean you could put... you could put money in the invitations! You could have, like, little money place settings. And, uh, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'd be dry, but people will like it.
Monica: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks. I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose.
Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people. On your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a... third or fourth date kinda thing.

Rachel: OH MY GOD! Sorry. I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet.

Phoebe: I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing you should go to my herbal guy.
Ross: Thank you, but I want to remove it, Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory.

Phoebe: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Okay so Jason is sensitive, but now so's Vince. Plus Vince has the body, you know? So it's really just about the math.

Pete: Monica, I want you there on the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?
Monica: My parents will be so happy.

Phoebe (singing): Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy underwear....

Vince: Whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa! What's going on here? Who is this guy?
Phoebe: I don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!

Vince: You made him a candlelight dinner in the park?
Phoebe: Yeah, but I can do that for you... I'm gonna do that for you.
Vince: Uh, yeah. I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooded area.

Guru Saj: Hello, I am Guru Saj. Whoa! That's supposed to be a duck, right? 'Cause otherwise, this is way out of my league.


Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Directed by Shelley Jensen
Jon Favreau as Pete Becker
Kevin McDonald as Guru Saj
Matt Battaglia as Vince
Robert Gant as Jason
Richard Gant as Dr. Rhodes
Carole Goldman as Pete's Mom (billed as "Woman")
Doug Looperr as Fireman (other fireman)
Aired 5/1/97, 9/4/97