The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (Extended Version)

Written by: Scott Silveri
Transcribed by [unknown].
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.

[SCENE: Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey, you guys, I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we'll have to do dinner Thursday night instead.

Joey: Thursday? But that's Halloween.

Phoebe: So?

Joey: It's just spooky, that's all.

Ross: Uh, So, is-is Mike coming to dinner?

Phoebe: No! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Ugh, I'd get mad at him, but I think it's a little to soon to show my true colors.

Rachel: Well, Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. (To Ross) Which one of us should go to dinner?

Phoebe: Oh! Rachel!

Ross: Um, actually, I-I was thinking maybe both of us could go.

Phoebe: Oh, yay. (Less than enthusiastic.)

Ross: Thanks. I'll put a lot of extra thought into your gift.

Phoebe: Alright, so, great, we can all go now. That IS fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together, the six of us, in such a long time.

Monica: What are you talking about? We're all together right now.

Rachel: Um, Mon? Chandler's not here.

Monica: Oh, dear God!

Opening Credits

[SCENE: Tulsa, a conference room]

Chandler: Hello everyone, it's nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes, Ken is it?

Ken: That's right. Is it true the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to?

Chandler: Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. Alright, let's get started by, uh, taking a look at last quarter's figures. (Claudia, next to Chandler, lights a cigarette.) Ah, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses' ass?

Claudia: I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you?

Chandler: No, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why. You're not allowed to smoke in this office, though, right?

Claudia: Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like one?

Chandler: Would Joey like two pizzas?! You don't know what I'm talking about! All right, look. I-I don't smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. (Everyone lights up.) So you all smoke then? You know, it's-it's almost rude that I'm not smoking.

Ken: Well, that's not true. If you don't wanna smoke...

Chandler: Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.

Ken: I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?

Chandler: I've always liked you, Ken. (Takes a cig)

[SCENE: Monica and Chandler's.]

Knock at door.

Phoebe: (from outside, but in a kid's voice) Trick or treat!

Monica: (opening the door) Hey!

Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Looks at Monica's exposed cleavage.) Wow. So glad I changed. I almost wore MY threadbare robe that can't contain MY breasts.

Monica: This is not what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating and Chandler's gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would... try before dinner.

Phoebe: Ohhh, okay. Oh, I thought we'd all go over together! All right, I'll just meet you there at dinner. Unless, I mean, if it helps, I could stay and watch.

Phoebe: Well, I didn't want to, anyway. I just, you know, just throught I'd be polite and offer. Wait! Does this mean you'll be late?

Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We'll probably be the first ones there.

Phoebe: Okay, see you there! Happy humping!

[Phoebe exits to the hallway, runs into Chandler.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey! (Sniffs) Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh, my God, don't people know you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?

Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all common areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.

Phoebe: Oh! You smoked!

Chandler: No! I just happen to know a lot of trivia about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called lei-lana-lukus.

Phoebe: (Sniffs him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.

Chandler: Oh, do you think Monica's gonna be able smell it?

Phoebe: Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a great goddess. (She becomes lost in thought.)

Chandler: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (embarrassed) I'm gonna go.

Chandler: (Enters the apartment. Talking to self) Okay, something to cover the smell. Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!

Monica: (from bedroom doorway) Welcome home. I've missed you. You want to join me in the bedroom?

Chandler: No, thanks, I'm good.

Monica: (comes over) Okay. So you wanna play it that way, do you?

Chandler: Wait, you know what, actually, I just got off the plane, so I'm feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower.

Monica: Come here, you don't need a shower.

Chandler: (backs away) All right, the truth is... I soiled myself during some turbulence.

Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Did you smoke?

Chandler: Yes. But I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packs...a...a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.

Monica: (Finds a pack in his jacket)

Chandler: Well, those are for you.

[SCENE: Ross and Rachel's.]

Ross: (On phone.) All right. Well, we'll just, uh, see you when you get here. Bye. (Hangs up) Huh, that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic.

Rachel: Okay, well that's now the third sign that I should not leave Emma.

Ross: Oh, what were the other two?

Rachel: Well, let's see. The first one is: I don't want to. And second one, I'm not going.

Ross: I know, it's the first time, we're leaving the baby and ... hey, I know how hard it is for you, but ... but everything's gonna be fine. I mean, my mom is gonna be with her. She's great with kids.

Rachel: She is?

Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: What about Monica?

Ross: Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that, okay? That little fatso was a terror!

Rachel: I just don't think I can do it.

Ross: Rach, you know what? You can and you should. Really, it will be good for you. And in fact, you know, why don't you... why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom, and then I'll meet you there.

Rachel: Oh, I...

Ross: No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up your heels. Paint the town red.

Rachel: You need to learn some new slang.

Ross: I'm serious. Come on, you should go. Here. (shoves her outside) Nah, just go.

Rachel: Well... Oh!

Ross: No! No, you know what? (closes the door) You're not going back in there, the baby's fine. Now scram. Hit the bricks. Tell your story walking.

Rachel: I was just going to say that I left my keys.

Ross: Oh. (Tries the door, it is locked) Holy moly, are we in a pickle now.

[SCENE: The restaurant. Phoebe and Joey are sitting alone at a table for six.]

Phoebe: Where is everyone? They're forty minutes late.

Joey: I know.

Phoebe: I'm starving. I knew we were coming here tonight. I ate nothing all day.

Joey: What about me? I only had one lunch today.

Waiter: So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?

Phoebe: (Putting on "higher class" way of speaking.) Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, their, uh, their arrival is in the offing.

Waiter: Right. Well, we do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable.

Joey: No, they're coming. We're waiting right here.

Phoebe: Joseph! (To waiter) One needn't worry, they shan't be long.

Waiter: It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.

Phoebe: Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one.

[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's]

Chandler: It's only been tow days. That's not enough time to [has a coughing attack.] That's totally unrelated!

Monica: How can you smoke in this day and age? Have you not seen that ad, huh? Where the little kid walks through grandpa? It's chilling!

Chandler: I messed up. It was a meeting. Everybody was smoking!

Monica: So what? Don't you have any will power?

Chandler: Will power? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tinfoil off!

Monica: You said that was sexy!

Chandler: Okay, look, can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again.

Monica: That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.

Chandler: You forbid me?

Monica: Mm-hm.

Chandler: You know, I've flown a long way to see my loving wife. Is she here, by the way?

Monica: Don't joke with me, okay? I'm very, very upset right now.

Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?

Monica: I think so.

Chandler: Well, then, I might as well do this (Lights a cigarette. Exhales. Pauses.) Not really sure what to do now.

Monica: Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner. So you're going to put out that cigarette, and we're gonna put this fight on hold, and go have sex.

Chandler: Fine. What?!?

Monica: What, do you have cigarettes in your ears? Huh?

Monica: Sex! This is the last day that I'm ovulating, and-and if we-we don't do it now, then we're going to have to wait 'til next month.

Chandler: You're serious!

Monica: Oh, yeah!

Chandler: All right, fine. I'll do it, but no talking.

Monica: (Gasps.) And no cuddling.

Chandler: And no kissing your neck.

Monica: Oh, good. I hate it when you do that!

Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck!

[SCENE: Outside Ross and Rachel's.]

Ross: Okay, well, the super's not home.

Rachel: No!

Ross: But, hey, you know what, my mother's gonna be here any minute. And she has the key.

Rachel: I can't, I can't wait that long. You have to do something. Knock that door down!

Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping.

Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?

Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.

Rachel: Oh, my God, I left the water running!

Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just-just pull yourself together, okay?

Rachel: Wait, did-did I leave the stove on?

Ross: You never cooked since 1996.

Rachel: Is the window open? Because if a window's open, a bird could fly in there, and...

Ross: Oh, my God. You know what, I think you're right. I think... you know what, listen, listen!

Rachel: What?

Ross: A-A pigeon... no, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talon. Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

[SCENE: The restaurant, still only Phoebe and Joey.]

Waiter: Hello.

Phoebe & Joey: Hey.

Waiter: It's been an hour. The maitre d' has asked if you'd be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.

Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.

Waiter: You can't order until the entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.

Joey: Well, how about this: Another table leaves, alright? But there's still some food left on their plates. Okay, what's the restaurant's policy about people eating that?

Waiter: It's frowned upon.

Joey: But it happens? (Waiter leaves. To Phoebe.) Alright, I got to go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: No, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't... I can't hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I'll cave.

Joey: Well, if you ask me to stay, I'll pee. (leaves)

Maitre D': Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? Miss!

Phoebe: Okay, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? Okay. Thank you.

Phoebe: Wow. Will you stop staring at us now?

Joey: (Returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally! You guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebe's chair) Pheebs, who the hell... ahhh!

[SCENE: The Bings' bedroom.]

Chandler: In a minute, sweet cakes.

Monica: Spend more time with the tie. That'll make a baby.

Chandler: Look, I can't do this. I can't make love to you while we're fighting this way.

Monica: Oh, sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle's funeral...

Chandler: That was a celebration of life! Alright, look, I'm not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want our baby to be conceived?

Monica: No, you're right. Yeah, we shouldn't do it like this. (Sighs) For what it's worth, I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, it's not the end of the world.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You are incredible. And listen, I'm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. (they kiss)

Monica: Do you want to?

Chandler: Yeah, let's celebrate life!

Monica: Okay.

[SCENE: Ross & Rachel's]

They enter with Ross's Mom

Rachel: (To Emma) Oh, God. Oh, thank God you're okay. Oh, I'm so sorry we left you. Mommy will never leave you again. Never, ever, ever again.

Ross: Great. So let's get going?

Rachel: Oh, no. I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again.

Ross's Mom: I understand, separation is hard. One time, I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his willy between his legs and cried out: "Mommy, I'm a girl, take me with you."

Ross: Somehow, over time, it got easier to be apart from you.

[SCENE: Monica and Chandler's, in bed]

Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.

Monica: You know what? Let's not talk.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Oh, I am still so mad at you for smoking!

Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes, no big deal.

Monica: Oh, bla bla-bla bla bla bla bla blah.

Monica: I just said that because I was ovulating and-and you said you wouldn't have sex with me if we were fighting.

Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?

Monica: That's right, I got mine.

Chandler: I feel so used.

[SCENE: Restaurant]

Phoebe: Well, I guess they're not coming. You wanna just order?

Joey: Thank you. (Joey goes over and kissed her.) Waiter! All right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up. Risotto with the shaved truffles and the roasted rib steak with the golden chanterelles and the Bordelaise sauce, unless any of that stuff I just said means snails.

Waiter: It does not.

Phoebe: Tomato tart. And, um, which of the pastas would you recommend?

Waiter: Oh, well, they're both exquisite.

Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.

Joey: All right, can I make a special request? Can you bring everything as soon as it's ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don't care.

Ross and Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!

Waiter: I'll just wait to put your order in.

Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?

Ross: I'm so sorry ...

Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we ...

Joey: That's a great story. Can I eat it?

Ross: And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby.

Rachel: Yeah, it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I had to do.

Phoebe: And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?

Rachel: But honey, this is for the best. This way I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home and-and I'm gonna be completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!

Ross: What?

Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spi...Judy! Look alive, Judy! (Received menu from waiter:) Thank you.

Ross: (To waiter, opening menu) Thanks. Oh.

Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I have? What should I have?

Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.

Ross: I know what you mean, this looks incredible.

Joey: (still mumbling to himself) Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.

Ross: Okay, I'll have the fig salad and the duck.

Rachel: Yeah, I'll have the, uh, soup and the salmon.

Joey: And remember, whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because ...

Monica: Happy birthday!

Joey: Son of a bitch!

Phoebe: Where, where have you been?

Monica: Well, we had a little fight.

Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.

Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (Waiters arrive with chairs.) Oh, uh, thanks. Wow, it's a little tight, isn't it? Why didn't you get a bigger table? (Phoebe glares at her.) You... you had a big table, but they made you move. Haha, shut up Monica. (Looks at menu) I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck.

Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the ... manipulative shrew.

Waiter: (Leaving) I'll give you another minute.

Joey: Wh-Where are you going? (Following) He said she wanted the shrew!

Ross: Rach, come on, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.

Rachel: You guys ever hear the story about when Ross's mom went to the beauty salon?

Chandler: You mean the willy story?

Ross: Haaa ha! They already know it! (Ross realizes that perhaps it's not a good thing that they already know this story.)

Phoebe: You guys, we've been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.

Joey: (Returning) No, no, that's okay. I already told the waiter what they want.

Monica: Why would you do that?

Joey: Chandler, control your woman!

Rachel: (Lifts glass for a toast) Okay, well, everybody has ordered. I would like to start the celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.

Phoebe: Aw ... what?

Rachel: No, Emma dropped her sock.

Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.

Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.

Phoebe: It's a good toast.

Rachel: (to Ross) Look! Will you please get her attention?

Ross: Oh. Mommy! Mother?

Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for god's sake, (shouting) Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody stares) I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you were all so late and you didn't even have the courtesy to call! (her phone rings) Well, it's too late now!

Ross: Yeah, Pheebs, I don't think that's us.

Phoebe: Oh. Well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?

Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) And what is going on with you two?

Monica: Well, you see, I'm ovulating.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that's what she says. But maybe you're not ovulating at all, maybe this is just all a clever ruse to get me into bed.

Monica: Yeah, Smokey, that's what it was. I just can't get enough.

Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.

Joey: So? You got to have sex, right?

Chandler: What's the matter with me? Why I'm such a girl?

Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, honey, we are so sorry. You are totally right. We are here 100 per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration.

Phoebe: Oh, you guys, that means the world to me. (Sighs.) Okay, I'm gonna take off.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but, you know, Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait. I'm not the... not the kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.

Rachel: Oh, thank god, if Phoebe's gone, can we please take Emma home?

Ross: You know, I think that's a good idea. Our babysitter just pounded another Chardonnay. Bye, you guys.

Monica: Bye.

Joey: See ya. Well, I guess it's just us.

Monica & Chandler: Mm-hm.

Monica: So, I'm, I'm probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?

Chandler: All right. So you've never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?

Joey: You... you're gonna go do it now?

Monica: We don't have much time. I mean, once the egg descends into the fallopian tube...

Joey: Oh, ohohohho, get outta here!

(Monica and Chandler leave, the waiter comes)

Waiter: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.

Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one. Well, you boys are about to see something really special.

Closing Credits

[SCENE: Restaurant. Joey has finished everything]

Waiter: How was everything, sir?

Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exquisite.

Waiter: Well, I hope you've got some room left.

Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ...

Joey: Joey! Joey.

Waiters: ... Joey, Happy birthday to you.

Joey: This is the best birthday ever. (Blows out candles.) Oh, yeah.

End