[Season 10 Episode 13]
Written by: Sherry Bilding-Graham & Ellen Plummer
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Phoebe: Hi!
All: Hey! Hi! Welcome back!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic.
Rachel: Oh.
Chandler: So, where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there. Shoot, I wasn't supposed to tell you that. Um, I mean-- Okay, he's at a gig.
Chandler: A gig we are definitely not going to.
Joey: Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help.
Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up?
Joey: Well, I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in.
Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Ross: (sheepishly) It was okay.
Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.
Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors?
Rachel: Oh, you're so sexy.
Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.
Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.
Rachel: Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?
Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. Oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon. Her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it okay if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Uh, you guys know where Rachel is?
Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning.
Ross: It's unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Monica: These are for Erica!
Ross: What? She's gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!
Ross: So, uh, why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and, um, because she's never been to New York. So she wants to see all the tourists' spots. The, you know, Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building.
Chandler: Oh, those places! There's always so many people and they're being corralled like cattle. And, you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Moo".
Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?
Ross: Hey, you should take her to a museum.
Monica: Oh, please. So I can hear Chandler say over and over again: "You call this art? I could make that."
Chandler: It was a tower of sponges!
(Rachel enters with Emma)
Ross: Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up 30 minutes late!
Rachel: Ross--
Ross: No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse. W-was it a hair appointment? A mani-pedi? Or was there a sale at Barney's?
Rachel: My father had an heart attack. (crying) While I was at Barney's.
Ross: Oh, my God. Rach.
Monica: Honey.
Chandler: I'm so sorry.
Ross: Is-is he okay?
Rachel: Yeah. They said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated.
Ross: Okay. Okay. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now.
Rachel: No, come on, I'm totally okay. (Moving into him for a hug) I don't need you to come. I can totally handle this on my own.
Ross: Still, still, let me come. For me.
Rachel: Okay. If you really need to.
Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies.
Rachel: Oh, I really could.
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: Oh. (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies, as she looks on, annnoyed.
Phoebe: All right. It seems pretty simple. Your first line is, "My name is Claude". So just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude".
Joey: Je decoup plow.
Phoebe: Well, let's just-- Let's try it again.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je depli bloo.
Phoebe: Huh. It's not quite what I'm saying.
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe: It does, really?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: All right, well, let's just try it again. Really listen.
Joey: Got it.
Phoebe: (slowly) Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je te flouppe flee.
Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!
Joey: Oh, de foof!
Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey, you guys.
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Phoebe: Ooh!
Monica: Joey. Erica. Baby!
Joey: Hi.
Monica: Everyone? Erica! Baby!
Chandler: Monica. Calm. Self. (To Erica) Hey, sit down.
Erica: Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here.
Joey: Well, welcome to New York City. Or should I say, "ghe deu flooff New York City"?
Chandler: Why would you say that?
Phoebe: Okay. What are you gonna be doing today?
Erica: Well, I wanna see everything! Times Square. Coney Island. Rockefeller Center.
Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Erica: Oh, yeah, let's do that!
Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This baby better be really good.
Rachel: Hi, um, oh, excuse me. I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, okay? That actually means something here.
Rachel: Okay, so-so can we please go in?
Nurse: Absolutely.
Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because, uh, my throat is feeling a little scratchy. I-I don't want to infect him.
Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him.
Ross: I'm not scared of him. I'm really sick!
Nurse: He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out.
Ross: I'm feeling better.
Rachel: Oh. (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, etc., and gasps.) Oh, my God! Oh. Oh. Wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green? Your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
Rachel: Oh, great. (to Ross) Um, are you gonna be okay?
Ross: He's unconscious. I think we'll be just fine.
Rachel: Okay. (leaves)
(Ross sits near Dr. Green. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed, and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. He laughs. Dr. Green awakens.)
Ross: Did--did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
Ross: Ouchy.
Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who-who should be back any second! So what's new?
Dr. Green: Ooh, I had a little heart attack.
Ross: Right. Is it painful?
Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
Dr. Green: So what's new with you, Gellar. Knocked up any more of my daughters, lately?
Ross: Nope, just the one. (Calling toward the hallway) Rachel!
(Rachel comes back into the room.)
Rachel: Daddy! Hi! You're awake. How are you.
Dr. Green: I'm okay. By the way, Ross has been a great comfort.
Rachel: Listen, Daddy, they want to keep you here for a couple more nights. (He groans) I know. But-but, you know what, I'm gonna go home and get you a bunch of your stuff so that you're really comfortable.
Dr. Green: Alright. Thank you, sweetheart.
Ross: It's pretty ironic, huh? I mean, you being a heart surgeon, and you had a heart attack. It-It'd be like, uh, if I was eaten by an Allosaurus. (Rachel glares at him) I'm gonna-- I'm gonna wait outside. (To the nurse, mockingly:) "He's pretty much out."
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: Je de con bloo!
Phoebe: No! Okay, maybe if we just break it down. Okay, let's just-- let's try at one syllable at a time. Okay? So repeat after me. "Je".
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: M'ap
Joey: Mah
Phoebe: Pelle
Joey: Pel.
Phoebe: Great. Okay, faster! "Je"
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: M'ap.
Joey: Mah.
Phoebe: Pelle.
Joey: Pel.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle!.
Joey: Me poo poo!
Phoebe: Okay, it's too hard. I can't teach you!
Joey: What are you doing?
Phoebe: I-I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she heads out the door)
Joey: No, no! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me la pee! Ombrah! Poo.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel: Ah. Did you call your parents?
Ross: Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great.
Rachel: Oh, good.
Ross: Wow.
Rachel: What?
Ross: I just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: What do you mean? You've been in my room before!
Ross: Yeah, sure, right. Like I'd ever be in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: Okay, I gotta tell you, it's really weird when you use my whole name.
Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You okay?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: You had a rough day, huh?
Rachel: Yeah. It's just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean, he's a doctor. You don't-- you don't expect doctors to get sick.
Ross: But we do. (She glares at him.) It's gonna be okay, Rach.
Rachel: Oh, I don't want him to wake up alone. I should go to the hospital!
Ross: What? No! No, hey, hey, hey. Look.
Rachel: What?
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, okay? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll-we'll go see him first thing in the morning. Okay?
Rachel: Really? I-I shouldn't feel guilty?
Ross: No. God. Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, okay? Right now you just need to get some rest.
Rachel: Okay, maybe you're right.
Ross: Good night. (he kisses her on her forehead)
Rachel: Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?
Ross: Sure.
Rachel: Okay. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross: Oh, of course.
Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room.
Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)
Rachel: Oh. I just don't want to be alone tonight.
Ross: Okay, well, um, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or-- (Rachel stares at him intensely. Then she leans in to kiss him. He ducks and avoids her more than once. Finally, he hugs her.) Oh. Oh. (She tries again. He stands up, causing her to fall down on the bed.). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just-- I just don't think this-this-this is a good idea.
Rachel: Well, we won't know that until we do it, will we?
Ross: No, um, uh, look. Um, you are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable, and I-I just don't feel it would be right. I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage. Enjoy!
Ross: Look, I'm sure it would be great. But I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly. So I'm gonna go.
Rachel: Wow. Okay.
Ross: I'll see you in the morning. (he leaves)
Rachel: (Petulant) Mm-hmm.
Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) I haven't had sex in four months. I should get a medal for that!
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.
Monica: Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.
Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!
Monica: What is with you?
Chandler: Yeah, I've been to these places before. But I've never really seen them, you know?
Monica: Yeah. You miss alot when you're mooing.
Chandler: Let's go to a Broadway show. Cats!
Monica: I think we've done enough.
Chandler: Honey, these are actors dressed like cats who sing like people. I mean, come on!
Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.
Monica: Oh, it was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.
Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know--
Chandler: Oh, uh-- Okay, um-- Do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team. Really cute. And he got a scholarship and went off to college.
Chandler: That's great.
Erica: Yeah. It's almost definitely him.
Monica: How's that, now?
Erica: Well, there's a chance it's another guy. I mean, I've only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college, too?
Erica: No, he's in prison.
Chandler: Oh. (Both he and Monica try to hide their shock.)
Monica: Was he falsely accused of something?
Erica: No. He killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy.
Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.
Monica: Are you awake?
Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)
Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel killer.
Monica: Well, alright. Lets say that it is him. Would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
Monica: How?
Chandler: I don't know, they have tests for these things, right?
Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just overreacting.
Chandler: (Scoffs) Easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves his mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "Mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey: Huh. Un, blu, bla, flu, flank!
Tape: Good job.
Joey: Thank you.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot. No, I was too impatient. So lets try it again.
Joey: Oh, no, that's okay, I don't-- I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!
Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it?
Joey: Sure, sure. Okay. (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de blu bla blay." See?
Phoebe: Well, you-- you're not, (she tries to smile and stuggles to contain)) You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: (offended) Oh, well, I think I am. Yeah. And I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
Ross: Hey, Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself.)
Ross: You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?
Rachel: Hm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, not looking at Ross)
Ross: You sure you're alright?
Rachel: (coldly) Yep.
Ross: (knowing she's not alright) Okay. Um, well, I'm gonna go, uh, grab us some breakfast. (Turns to leave)
Rachel: FYI--
Ross: There it is.
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it.
Ross: Wait, wait. You're mad at me about last night? I-I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel: Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied.
Ross: (Nodding acknowledgement for the last part) Well--
Rachel: Oh, stop that!
Ross: I can't believe this. What do you-- I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot.
Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.
Rachel: Oh, really? Well, Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross: I gotta say, I've not had sex a lot of times before. This is the worst ever.
Rachel: Oh, really? Really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)
Ross: Oh, okay. (She turns to leave, he jumps in front of her) You know, hey-hey, you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.
Rachel: What?
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you, again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him.)
Chandler: Hey. How was lunch?
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)
Chandler: Oh. Really?
Erica: No! (Laughs. Then, to Monica) You were right. That was fun. I'm gonna go finish packing.
Chandler: Okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So is she gonna take the test?
Monica: No, she doesn't have to. I found out who the father is.
Chandler: Oh, God. It's Shovely Joe, isn't it?
Monica: (smiling) No, it's not.
Chandler: How do you know?
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy? It'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh, God, what was it? The thing that we hardly ever do, or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe.
Director: Whenever you're ready, Joey.
Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Ja bu bu, Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo.
Casting assistant: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Joey: Dude, come on! French it up.
Director: Joey, do you speak French?
Joey: Tout ala 'smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoo!
Director: That's not French.
Joey: Plee play poo. Pah, pah, pah, pah-poom.
Director: Neither is that.
Joey: Plu?
Director: You know what? I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Regine Phalange. Uh, I-I was passing by when I 'eard this man speaking the-the regional dialect of my French town of Estee Lauder.
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Joey: Sa-sa-saw!
Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.)
(The director looks at Joey, who nods.)
Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui? (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Joey: Aw. All right. But my French was good?
Director: It was great.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
Joey: Yeah. Toute-de-le-fruit.
Ross: Emma's down for the night.
Rachel: Oh, good.
Ross: So, uh, I guess I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: Okay. Hey, listen. Uh, just before you go, I-I, again, I just wanna say thank you for coming with me.
Ross: Oh, no problem.
Rachel: And also, you know I, uh, I-I was thinking about what you said, uh, you know, about the whole sex thing and it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Ross: Thank you. I'm glad-- I'm glad you agree.
Rachel: It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
Rachel: Hey, um, do you remember that one really great time?
Ross: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: You know it was you're, uh, birthday.
Ross: Valentine's day.
Both: (long pause, they realize the others' thought) Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?
Ross: Not even once.
Rachel: No matter how much we want it.
Ross: Even if we want it really bad.
Rachel: That's what we decided.
Ross: Um, that's right.
Rachel: It's kinda hard though.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You know, when two people have-have a connection, you know? That's-- It just seems like such a waste.
Ross: I hate waste.
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Yes?
Rachel: Just so you know. With us, it's never off the table. (she goes to her room and closes the door.)
Ross: (Like a pleasant, inevitable realization) Damn it, it's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
Phoebe: Okay, can you really tap-dance?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: It's off the resume. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Phoebe: Archery?
Joey: Nope.
Phoebe: Horseback riding?
Joey: Would fall off a lot.
Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: That I can do.
Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: Alright, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
Phoebe: Ready, go!
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin,over his clothes, and to the floor. He keeps "drinking." He eventually lifts it off his chin a bit and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He "finishes" the rest as before. He puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it!