[Season 10 Episode 5]
Written by: Dana Klein
Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.
Rachel: You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie.
Joey: Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time!
Rachel: I've never given her a cookie. Have you?
Joey: No! No. And, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can!
Monica: Hey, Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us.
Rachel: Of course! I would be honored!
Chandler: Thanks!
Monica: Thank you!
(Joey looks at them, disappointed about their decision)
Joey: (Clears his throat) Huh. I think there's been an oversight.
Chandler: Joe, we would've asked you. We just thought you wouldn't be interested.
Monica: Yeah, it's just that we don't think of you as really being so much "with the words".
Joey: Wha-weh hey weh-hey whoa, hey!
Monica: Clearly, we were wrong.
Joey: Look, I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, okay? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, and I would love to help you get one.
Monica: You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it.
Joey: Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm gonna start. "Dear baby adoption decider people."
Chandler: So excited about your letter!
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey, Phoebe!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Wow, don't you look nice.
Phoebe: Yes, I do. Today's, uh, Mike and my one-year anniversary.
Rachel: Ah! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Chandler: So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Um, a Knicks game.
Joey: Uh, aren't you a little overdressed?
Phoebe: Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before. So no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy-pants and I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room.
Monica: You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom!
Chandler: That's where people make number two!!
OPENING CREDITS
Charlie: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Hey. (They kiss and cuddle a little)
Charlie: So, you know, I have a little time. If you, uh, if you want to--
Ross: (surprised) Oh! Oh, I'd love to but I really have to grade these papers.
Charlie: Fine, it's fine... (she whispers) I'll just shower by myself.
Ross: (Writing quickly on the papers) B. B. B. B. B.
Charlie: Uh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue.
Ross: Well, it had some good ideas. Take off your shirt.
(they start kissing but someone knocks at the door)
Ross: Damn it!
Amy: (yelling from outside) Rachel, open up! It's your sister! I have to talk to you!
Ross: (opens the door) Hi, Amy!
Amy: You're not Rachel.
Ross: Still sharp as a tack! Um, Charlie, this is Rachel's sister, Amy. Amy, this is Charlie.
Charlie: Hi!
Amy: Hi!
Charlie: Nice to meet you.
Amy: H-Hi!!(to Ross) And you are?
Ross: Ross? I, uh, I grew up on your block. We had Thanksgiving together last year. I had a baby with your sister!
Amy: (looks confused) No, I-- Did I buy a falafel from you yesterday?
Ross: (gives up) Yes. Yes, you did.
(Ross enters the apartment with Amy)
Ross: Hi, Rachel. Here's your sister, Amy. She thinks I need pec implants.
Rachel: Amy? Hi! Oh-h-hoh! Wow! (they hug) You remember Joey?
Amy: Yeah! Hey, sure! The Days of Our Lives guy!
Joey: That's right, yeah.
Amy: You are not good.
Joey: Always nice to meet a fan.
Rachel: So, now, what are you doing here?
Amy: Well, I have huge news.
Rachel: (Emma starts crying in the other room) Oh, sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby!
Amy: Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait? (Rachel goes to Emma)
Ross: Uh, her name is Emma.
Amy: Why did you change it? Ella was so much prettier.
Ross: What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart!
Amy: Hey, your English is getting better!
Ross: (to Joey) Oh, my God.
Joey: I know. She may be the hottest girl I've ever hated.
Ross: What you-- what you working on?
Joey: (using a laptop) Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but I don't know any big words or anything, so--
Ross: Well, why don't you use your thesaurus?
Joey: What did I just say?
Ross: Watch. (he takes the laptop) Here, you, uh, you highlight the word you want to change. Uh, go under Tools and the thesaurus generates-- gives. Gives a whole list of choices. You can pick the word that sounds smartest.
Joey: Oh, my God, that's great. I'm smart! No, no, I'm: (he uses the thesaurus) "Brainy, bright, clever." I love this thing! Look out, ladies! Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!
Rachel: Oh, I know, isn't she?
Amy: No, I was talking about your bedding.
Rachel: All right, what's your news, Amy?
Amy: Oh! Mm, well, I'm getting married.
Rachel: What? Oh, my God! To who?
Amy: This guy! He has a killer apartment.
Rachel: And?
Amy: And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room.
Rachel: No, what's--what's he like?
Amy: Oh! He's okay. Do you remember my old boyfriend Mark?
Rachel: Yeah.
Amy: It's his dad.
Rachel: Huh. Wow. So he's gotta be--
Amy: Old? Yeah. But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there.
Rachel: Sweetie, I gotta tell ya, it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like--
Amy: Myron. Mmm, yeah, I told you he was old.
Rachel: Aww, sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn't love. Do you remember Barry?
Amy: Remember him? God, we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep.
Rachel: Sometimes just nodding is okay. Um, so-- but anyway, listen. Not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, Amy, you-you deserve true love. Your-your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that-that you care about!
Amy: (thinks about it) You're right. You're right. I'm-I'm gonna do it!
Rachel: Okay.
Amy: I'm gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, let's keep talking.
Mike: I know. This has been the best year-- (the crowd starts cheering, so he starts yelling) THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!
Phoebe: ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH!
Mike: I FEEL THE SAME WAY!
Phoebe: YOU'RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED (everyone stares at them.)(to everybody) It's our anniversary!
Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. Someone has a special question to ask. (on the screen is written, "Julie, will you marry me?" Then shows a guy kneeling down in front of a girl, holding out a ring to her)
Phoebe: Oh, how lame. Oh, it's so tacky and impersonal.
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Oh, it's the worst way to propose.
Mike: (looks strangely shocked) Excuse me. (he leaves, then Phoebe realizes what she did).
Joey: Hey, I finished my recommendation. Here. And I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: (reading) I don't, uh, understand.
Joey: (sounding very proud of himself) Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?
Monica: (also reading it) It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: What? Of course it does! It's smart! I used the thee-saurus!
Chandler: On every word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally? (shows the sentence to Joey)
Joey: Oh. "They are warm, nice people with big hearts."
Chandler: And that became, "They are humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, and, hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Alright, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it, "Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani." (Joey gives a what's-wrong-with-that look.). Hey, why don't you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself?
Chandler: You know what? You don't need a thesaurus. Just write from here. (points at his own heart) Your full-sized aortic pump.
Rachel: Amy! Hi!
Amy: I took your advice. I left Myron.
Rachel: Oh, good for you!
Amy: I know! I'm Erin Brockovich!
Rachel: Yes, you are. Oh, I am so proud of you!
Amy: Oh, thank you! So can I stay with you?
Rachel: But Erin Brockovich had her own house.
(Joey comes out of Monica's apartment and sees Rachel and Amy but does not notice the huge amount of bags)
Joey: Oh, look who's back! (he sees the bags) Why do you have bags? Rach, why does she have bags!?
Amy: Well, I'm staying with you guys!
Joey: What?
Amy: We're gonna be roomies! (she snaps her finger and points to the bags) Come on.
Joey: You slept out here?
Rachel: Yeah. Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling, "Myron, get off!"
Joey: But, uh, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we're getting rid of her.
Rachel: Joey, I can't do that!
Joey: Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said, "Oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don't need that kind of talk in my house!
Rachel: Joey, uh, look. I know that she's difficult, but I think it's really good that she's here.
Joey: Because we'll appreciate it more when she's gone?
Rachel: No, it's just-- Look, you know, when I first moved to this city, I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered. And you guys really took care of me.
Joey: Yeah. Monica made us.
Rachel: Well, whatever. I, uh, really appreciate it, because I don't think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn't for you guys. So now I want to help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it's gonna take patience, but that's okay.
Amy: Good morning.
Joey: (Doubtful) Yeah.
Rachel: Amy, that's what I was supposed to wear today. That's why I hung it on the door.
Amy: Oh, sweetie, you can't pull this off.
Rachel: Amy, you know what? I was thinking that, um, maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, uh, you know, talk about your future.
Amy: Oh, I can't, honey. I'm gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. (points at her eyebrows) I am not happy. (to Joey who has a pizza box in his hands) Uh, you sure you wanna eat that?
Joey: I'M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT!
Phoebe: Hi.
The others: Hi!
Phoebe: I just had the worst anniversary ever.
Chandler: I doubt that. Tell her about us last year.
Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a $500 watch and he wrote me a rap song.
Ross: Seriously?
Chandler: Word!
Phoebe: Well, mine was worse than that.
Rachel: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: We were at the game and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing.
Rachel: Oh, that is so tacky.
Phoebe: Well, that's what I said. But it turns out Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night!
Monica: Oh, my God. Mike was gonna propose?
Rachel: Phoebe, that's huge!
Ross: Well, do you want to marry him?
Phoebe: Yeah, I really do. Yes. But after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don't think he's ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados, and now this?
Chandler: She's right! If I were a guy and-- (Everyone stares at him) Did I just say, "If I were a guy?"
Monica: Maybe you don't need him to propose to you. Maybe you can propose to him!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Isn't that a little desperate?
Monica: I proposed to Chandler. (Phoebe makes effort not to speak.) Alright, moving on.
Chandler: Well, I don't think it was desperate. I think it was amazing.
Monica: Thank you.
Phoebe: (To Rachel and Ross) Well, do you think I should propose?
Rachel: I think it could be kind of great!
Ross: Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's nothing like it!
Phoebe: Okay. Okay. So how should I do it?
Monica: How about at a game, on the big screen?
Rachel: (Sarcastically gasps and says) How about at a Footlocker?
Monica: What? What? He obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to. Plus he'd never suspect it.
Phoebe: Yeah, that does make sense. Okay, now, (to Ross and Chandler) would-would you two like that?
Chandler: Sounds good to me. But what would a guy think?
(Amy walks in carrying a phone handset)
Amy: (To Rachel) Nana's on the phone.
Rachel: (Takes the phone) Oh. That's interesting, since she died seven years ago.
Amy: She did? Who got her condo in Boca?
Rachel: (Into the phone) Hello? Oh. (to Amy) It's our nanny. (goes back to the phone conversation) Hi! Oh, God! I hope you feel better! Okay, bye! (To Ross) That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today?
Ross: No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting?
Rachel: Menstrual cramps.
Ross: I don't think that's what this is.
Rachel: Can any of you watch Emma?
Monica: No, sorry sweetie.
Phoebe: No, I've got work and then I'm proposing.
Rachel: Great. Shoot. What am I going to do?
Amy: Well, I could do it.
Rachel: Well, actually--
Ross: Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Um, I do not want her babysitting our child.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella.
Rachel: Well, Ella's a nice name.
Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella.
Rachel: What? The next one!?
Ross: Okay. Um, I don't want her watching our baby.
Rachel: Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being.
Ross: I-I don't know.
Rachel: Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows shaped to do this, alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world?
(Amy approaches from behind)
Amy: Uh, listen, I-I couldn't help but overhear, because I was trying to. Listen, let me do this, alright? I really want to help you guys out. And-and plus, Rachel's been so wonderful to me.
(Rachel looks at Ross and her agrees silently)
Rachel: Absolutely.
Amy: Oh, great! So how much does it pay?
Joey: Great. I'm finished. In fact, I just dropped it off at the agency.
(Chandler and Monica look shocked)
Monica: You dropped it off?
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Can we read it? Can you print out another copy?
Joey: No can do, amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. It felt more personal to handwrite it. (Chandler and Monica look even more shocked)
Monica: You handwrote it?
Joey: Yeah. And don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later.(Leaves)
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that letter is gonna go in our file. We're never gonna get a kid. No, we're gonna-- we're gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or-or has a lot of birds!
Chandler: It's okay. It's okay. You know what? I will just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)
Monica: Okay, good.
Chandler: (on the phone) Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and-- (listens) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you. Goodbye.
Monica: Oh, we're screwed, aren't we. You know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird store.
Chandler: They loved it.
Monica: What?
Chandler: They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter.
Monica: They thought Joey was a child?
Chandler: She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings.
(Amy comes in with Emma in a stroller)
Amy: Hi.
Monica: Hey, what did you guys do today?
Amy: Ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi.
Chandler: That sounds like fun.
Amy: Yeah, not really. Babies are dull.
(Rachel comes in, sees Amy and Emma)
Rachel: Hey! (To Emma) Hi, how's my girl?
Amy: I'm fine! And I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready?
Rachel: (excited) Yeah.
(Amy takes off Emma's hat)
Amy: Ta-da!
Rachel: You pierced her ears?
Amy: (Very excited about it) Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?
Amy: Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't have been surprise, now would it?
Chandler: I think she looks cute. (Rachel glares at him.) But I am wrong.
Rachel: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out.
Amy: Why, did something happen to his falafel cart?
Rachel: Oh! (covers Emma's head with the hat.)
(Ross walks up)
Ross: Hey, guys.
Monica and Chandler: Hi, Ross!
Ross: Hey, Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see.
Rachel: Oh, I don't really want her to see.
Ross: Why-why not?
Monica: Because there are so many terrible sights in this world.
Chandler: Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat?
Ross: Come here. (Removes Emma's hat) Oh, there she is. Hi.
(Rachel looks worried)
Ross: (sees how strangely Monica, Chandler and Rachel are looking at him) What?
Rachel: Nothing.
Ross: (Back to Emma) Hi! (Looks at her) What-- (Moves the stroller away from him so he can get a better look at her. He looks confused. Finally he realizes the difference and gasps). Please tell me those are clip-ons.
Rachel: Oh, they're real.
Ross: Did she (points at Amy) do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her!
Rachel: I know, I know, and you were right, Ross. (To Amy) You are so irresponsible! I am never letting you babysit ever again!
Amy: Hey, you know what? This kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool, fun aunt!
Monica: I'm a cool, fun aunt!
Amy: (Sarcastically) Okay.
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects.
Rachel: I cannot believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life. And this is how you repay me?
Amy: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life.
Rachel: Oh, yeah? Since when?
Amy: Since today. I am going to be a baby stylist.
Rachel: (looks at Ross and then at Amy again in disbelief) What?
Ross: That's not a thing!
Amy: Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming.
Rachel: Babies don't care if they're slim!
Amy: Enter Amy.
Ross: (very angry) Amy, I ju-- I just-- I just wanna--
Amy: What? What are you gonna do?
Ross: (pointing at Amy, shouting) No more falafel for you!
(Amy looks at Ross, angrily. Rachel clearly doesn't understand what he meant and looks at Ross, who gestures "later".)
Mike: Great game, huh?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.(seems distracted)
Mike: Why do you keep looking at the screen?
Phoebe: I'm not. I'm praying. (looking up) Please let the Knicks win. Thank you, Thor! (Mike is standing up) Where-where are you going?
Mike: I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: Well, I think you should wait.
Mike: Why?
Phoebe: Well, if you don't-- if you don't hold it in, you don't-- you don't get all the nutrients.
Announcer: Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask.
(We see the screen where it says: "Mike, will you marry me?" and then we see Phoebe and Mike on the screen. Phoebe kneels in front of Mike.)
Phoebe: Mike Hannigan, will you marry me? (Mike looks bewildered)
Announcer: Get a load of this. She's proposing to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in that family. (people are laughing, while Mike still seems bewildered)
Phoebe: That's not very enlightened!
(There's booing around them, and Mike sinks in his chair, holding his hand in above his eyes, hoping no-one would recognize him)
Phoebe: Hey, hey! (shouting) Boo us? Boo you! Odin will smite you!
Joey: (picks up the phone) Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani. Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter. No, my mommy and daddy aren't home right now. (looks puzzled) Okay, bye-bye. (hangs up)(to himself) She was nice!
(Rachel and Amy enter)
Rachel: Joey, get Amy's bags. She is moving out!
Joey: Woo-hoo! (and leaves for Rachel's room)
Amy: You're kicking me out?
Rachel: You put holes in my baby's ears!
Amy: Yeah, well, at least now people will know she is a girl!
Rachel: (gasps) I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help.
Amy: You know what? Ever since I got here, you have been nothing but negative.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Amy: You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter de-emphasize her flaws (pointing at her nose) and suddenly I'm the bad guy?
Rachel: (yelling) Joey, where are those bags?
Joey: (Yelling from Rachel's room) She has a lot of crap!
Amy: You know what? When I moved in here, I thought, "This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters back together again like when we were kids. Except without that stupid Jill. Oh! Who has gotten fat, by the way.
Rachel: (Suddenly interested) Seriously?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Mom said she gained, like, 15 pounds.
Rachel: Hips or thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: (gasps) Oh! Oh my God! I thought she was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her. See? This is what I wanted. Two sisters talking about real stuff.
Rachel: (apologetic) Oh, I can give you that.
Amy: You can?
Rachel: Yeah. I just-- I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're-- you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are.
Amy: (touched) Thank you. You gotta admit, Emma does look cute.
Rachel: Did you just say, "Emma"?
Amy: Oh, I'm sorry. Ella. Uh, Sis, you wanna go bring Jill some pasta?
Rachel: Oh, come on, Amy. Now, that's just wrong. Her true weakness was garlic bread.
(They rush out)
Mike: Please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Phoebe: (the waiter puts a piece of cake on the table) I would love it. Consider it forgotten.
Mike: Thank you.
Phoebe: But just so you know, however and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether-- whether, you know, it's at a basketball game, or in skywriting, or, you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake.
(Mike's face changes from happy to sad, and he looks at the cake, disappointed.)
Phoebe: It-it's in the cake, isn't it?
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No-Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
Phoebe: What's the matter with me? Why do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Mike: No, it's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you that I love you that I-I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
(Phoebe gazes at him with affection.)
Mike: I'm gonna do this now.
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
(Mike starts to kneel in front of Phoebe.)
Mike: Phoebe, I--
Phoebe: Wait. Oh, wait. (she takes off a ring that was already on her left ring finger. After that Mike starts to kneel again, but then...) Oh, no. (She takes all the ohter rings off that hand.)
Mike: Ready?
Phoebe: Uh-huh!
Mike: Okay. Phoebe, I love you. There's no one else in the world I would ask to marry me three times. But I want to take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you. Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Phoebe: Yes.
(Mike puts the ring on her finger)
Mike: I love you.
Phoebe: I love you more.
Mike: Not possible. (they kiss, and then Mike announces:) She's gonna be Mrs. No-Balls!
(They kiss again, and Phoebe looks at the ring.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Rachel: So how's the, uh, baby styling business going?
Amy: Not that great. It's-it's almost as if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly.
Rachel: That's shocking.
Amy: Oh! There's Ross. Hey, Ross! (She's looking at a guy at a falafel stand, whose only similarity to Ross is his black hair.) Hello, Ross! (Scoffing, to Rachel:) He's rude!