# The One Where Emma Cries (Extended Version)

Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.

[Scene: Rachel's Hospital Room, Ross is sitting next to Rachel.]

Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?

Rachel: Okay, you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! (Pause) I'm not helping.

Ross: So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby?

Rachel: That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go.

Ross: So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend.

Rachel: Well...Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend.

Ross: Well, Chandler's my oldest friend, but Joey's my...No! Nuh uh! (points at Rachel)

Rachel: Oooh!

Joey: (Enters) Hey, you guys I'm gonna take off. I just wanted to say goodbye.

Ross: Rachel said she'd marry you?!

Joey: (He looks around the room) This isn't the right room! Sorry folks. (leaves)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler are waiting for Ross and Rachel to come home and Monica is looking at the sign Phoebe bought that says, "It's a Boy!"]

Monica: Ok, I don't wanna be negative, so I'll say that most of the signs you bought are good.

Phoebe: No, they ran out of "It's a girl" but I can fix this one, (She writes "not" in between it's and a) See?

Monica: (looking at Chandler sleeping with a balloon in his mouth) So sexy. (Waking him up.) Honey?

Chandler: Yeah. (Pulls the balloon out of his mouth)

Monica: Hey, why don't you go lie down.

Chandler: No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office... (Pulls another balloon out of his mouth) Am I producing them?

Joey: Why're you so tired?

Chandler: I couldn't sleep last night, you know, and then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today. The more I worried about it the more I couldn't sleep. You know? And I was like, if I fall asleep now I'll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I'll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep.

Joey: You know what you should've done? You should have told yourself that little story.

Rachel: (enters with Emma) Hi!

Everyone: Hi, welcome home!

Monica: Phoebe did the signs!

Rachel: Oh, you guys thanks for doing this.

Phoebe: Look at all the stuff people sent!

Rachel: Oh... Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh! Look, there's something every mother needs! A giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think... (Reads the card) Oh, you guys, I love it!

Joey: Hey so where's Ross?

Rachel: He's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.

Joey: Is he still mad at us?

Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he can't stay too mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.

Joey: That's not fair! I can't do that.

Rachel: Yeah, I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up.

Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be here either but somebody (Looks at Chandler) said he'd be over it by now.

Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.

[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting.]

Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing in Chicago, New York, and London are consistently solid, but many of our field offices have reported disappointing yields.

(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.)

Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on. But instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty two point plan.

(Chandler leans over to fall asleep on the man's shoulder next to him, only the man catches his attempt.)

Chandler: Walter (nods).

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are watching Emma sleep.]

Phoebe: She's just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.

Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.

Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay, I put most of the stuff away.

Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?

Ross: Uh, it's in the, uh, cupboard.

Rachel: The, uh, burping cloths?

Ross: Linen closet.

Rachel: The diapers?

Ross: In the hospital.

Phoebe: Wow, you guys got a hospital? Fancy!

Ross: No, I left the diapers at the hospital! There's some in the bag but I'll run out and get some more.

Rachel: Alright, thanks. Oh, Ross, could you stop at the coffee house and get me a muffin?

Ross: Oh, sure. What kind?

Rachel: Umm, let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...

Ross: Please take your time, it's an important decision. Not like, say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone. This is about a muffin.

Rachel: Blueberry.

Ross: Blueberry it is.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?

Rachel: God, how long do you think that's gonna last?

Phoebe: Well, I don't know. He got over the "we were on a break" thing really quickly.

Rachel: Ya know, I can't even worry about it right now, cause I've got the cutie little baby. Ah, I can't believe how much I love her, I can't get enough of her. Like, right now, I miss her. I actually miss her.

Phoebe: Okay, you know that's... that's her.

Rachel: I know. I know, but she's sleeping, you know! It's not like when she's awake and I can see her stretch and wiggle and... Oh, my God, have you seen her yawn?

Monica: It's so cute!

Rachel: I know! When do you think she's going to wake up?

Phoebe: Oh, she told me to ring her if she's not up by 11. She has a job interview. (Only Phoebe laughs.) (Then, sarcastically) Okay, but the clouds part when she yawns.

Rachel: Oh, God, look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so much! I think I'm gonna wake her up.

Phoebe: Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you're never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.

Rachel: Well, I can do whatever I want! I made her! (Waking Emma up.) Come on, little girl. Yes, hello, Emma. Hello, hi!

(Emma starts crying)

Phoebe: Well, I would say I told you so, but she's kinda doing that for me.

Rachel: Oh I'm so sorry, oh, mommy's so sorry, go back to sleep! Shh shh shh shh, go back to sleep

(Emma continues crying in the background)

Monica: Oh, it breaks your heart, doesn't it?

Phoebe: It really does... how long do you think we have to stay?

[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler's meeting continues.]

Ms. McKenna: Ok, if everyone's on board, it's settled, Chandler? (Walter puts his hand on Chandlers hand, Chandler sleeping puts his hand on top of his, he then wakes up and pulls his hand away) Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah!

Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?

Chandler: (not knowing what he's saying yes to) Yes.

Ms. McKenna: Well, then problem solved! Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.

(Chandler smiles and nods then realizes what he's agreed to.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma continues crying while Rachel, Monica and Phoebe try different methods to stop her crying.]

Phoebe: Alright, well, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her.... Oh, try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe!

Monica: Alright, here's something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side.

Rachel: Ok. (Starts swinging Emma rapidly and she stops crying)

Monica: It worked!

Rachel: Oh! (Happy.) Oh, no, just stopped to throw up a little bit. (Emma starts crying again.) Oh, come on, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.

Monica: Uh, "she," Rach. Not it, she.

Rachel: Yeah, I'm not so sure.

Monica: Oh my god, I'm losing my mind.

Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding. Alright, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is getting Rachel's muffin.]

Ross: Hey, Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? (He puts a bag with diapers in it on the counter.)

Gunther: Diapers, huh?

Ross: Yep.

Gunther: So I guess Rachel had your baby?

Ross: Yep, can you believe it?

Gunther: Nope! I can't even believe she slept with you in the first place.

Ross: Huh? Oh, oh you (laughs) you mean like a... Huh?

Joey: (entering) Hey. (Ross turns to see who it is, and seeing it's Joey he just ignores him and turns back around.) Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.

Ross: Uh, actually we don't. (Ross walks off)

Joey: Fine,okay? Fine. But I gotta say, technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.

Ross: (turns back) What? You, you didn't do anything wrong?!

Joey: I said, "I didn't technically".

Ross: Okay, well, let's put aside the fact that you (Ross does air quotes with is fingers) "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you (air quotes again) "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.

Joey: Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this (he does air quotes) I don't really know what that means. (Ross just looks at him) You were saying?

Ross: And I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn't.

Joey: I know, I should've. (Makes air quotes again.) "I'm sorry."

Ross: Not using it right, Joe.

(Joey brings his hands in closer to his face then does it again.)

Ross: I'm gonna go.

Joey: Oh, come on, look, Ross (He grabs his bag so he can't leave) we have to get past this.

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: No, look, I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry!

Ross: Joey!

Joey: You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me.

Ross: I'm not gonna hit you.

Joey: Why not? You'll feel better! I'll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.

Ross: No, I don't.

Joey: A little bit.

Ross: No.

Joey: Little bit.

Ross: No!

Joey: Little bit more.

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: No, hit me.

Ross: Give me the bag.

Joey: Hit me!

Ross: Joe I'm not kidding...

Joey: (interrupting) Hit me, hit me.

Ross: No!

Joey: (shouts) Hit me! Hit me!

(Ross throws a punch, but Joey ducks and Ross punches the pole. Ross then screams from the pain and turns to Gunther, and Gunther has a huge smile on his face.)

Ross: You ducked!!

Joey: I'm sorry! It was a reflex!

Ross: Oh my god, this... this really hurts!!

Joey: I couldn't help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! (He goes to punch Ross, expecting him to duck, but Ross doesn't and Joey punches Ross. Gunther is amused.)

Ross: What is the matter with you?!?

Joey: You were supposed to duck!! Why didn't you duck?

Ross: Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital?

Joey: Good, good yeah, (Grabs the bags) maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes. (Joey opens the door and it hits Ross in the face with it.) (Makes air quotes.) "Oops."

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma is still crying.]

Monica: Try feeding her again.

Rachel: I already fed her.

Monica: I know, that's why I said, "again!"

Phoebe: Alright you guys, we can't turn on each other, okay? That's just what she wants.

Chandler: (enters) Hey.

Rachel and Monica: Hi, hey.

Chandler: I told you you shouldn't have let her watch Terms of Endearment. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?

Monica: Sure.

Rachel: Oh, no, you guys, just stay here, I'm gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm kinda part of this.

Chandler: Actually, Pheebs, its more of a husband and wife kinda thing.

Phoebe: I knew I should have married Chandler!

(Phoebe and Rachel go to the back room and Emma continues to cry in the background while Chandler and Monica talk.)

Monica: Okay, what's up?

Chandler: Okay, uh, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write, and we could picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux?

Monica: Oh, yes (smiles).

Chandler: Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa... is the Paris of Oklahoma?

Monica: What? Who says that?

Chandler: People who've never been to Paris.

Monica: What's going on?

Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa! (Makes a excited expression on his face)

Monica: Excuse me?

Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, I think you actually met her!

Monica: Don't care, get back to Tulsa! Chandler: She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there. And I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.

Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa, Oklahoma!

Chandler: The Sooner State! Whatever that is!

Monica: Chandler, I don't even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!

Chandler: Really? Oh, What A Beautiful Morning? Surrey With A Fringe On Top?

Monica: Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma, or that you're gay?

Chandler: Honey, I don't think I can get out of this.

Monica: Oh, my God!

Chandler: Well, yeah, but you don't know, it could be like Paris! You can still take a cooking class... at Oral Roberts University.

Monica Not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?

Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monica's not impressed.) I'll get out of it.

Monica: Thank you.

Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?

Monica: Oh, she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.

[Scene: Ms. McKenna's Office, Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Ma'am, uh, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.

Ms. McKenna: What?

Chandler: Uh, it's a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.

Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?

Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain't that funny? Irony, not a fan? Alright (he sits down). See, here's the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won't go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy...Please don't make me go there!

Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I...

Chandler: No, no, no, I know that you're upset, but I just-- I would really rather just stay here. Not here in your office, here at the company, where I'm rapidly feeling unwelcome. Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh, what a great picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it? Well, she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)

[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]

Joey: Hey, so, uh, how is it?

Ross: I broke my thumb.

Joey: Your thumb? That's weird. (Makes a fist.) Are you sure you're punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.

Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but can't)

Joey: You, uh, you want me to help you with that?

Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)

Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) No, I know, "Ross," but what's it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstopher.

Ross: Just Ross!

Joey: It's pretty. Okay, date of birth?

Ross: You know my birthday.

Joey: Sure, May...tember.

Ross: October 18th.

Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.

Ross: Actually I'm a paleon... Dinosaurs is fine... the drawing is not.

Joey: Alright, uh, who-who-who do you want as your emergency contact?

Ross: Uh, Rachel, I guess.

Joey: Okay. Relationship? Whoo, boy, this could take a while.

Ross: Just, ah... just put roommate.

Joey: Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you're gonna get together, right?

Ross: I don't think that we are.

Joey: But you two were supposed to be together.

Ross: Well, I thought so too, but then she said she'd marry you.

Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody.

Ross: Yeah, that's what she said.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I don't wanna be just anybody.

Joey: Wow.

Ross: You know what, it's, it's better this way, anyway. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's-It's just much easier if we're... if we're just friends who have a kid.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: And... and you're okay with that?

Ross: Yes. I mean, it's-it's what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it. That's- that's- that's why they call them plans. Hello? (Pause) I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't think you'll ever be just (makes air quotes) "anybody."

Ross: Hey there you go! (Smiles because Joey used it correctly)

Joey: (makes quote marks) "Thanks."

(Ross looks away, not bothering)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Emma continues to cry.]

Rachel: Oh my God! How long has she been crying?

Monica: About a week and a half.

Phoebe: Alright, well, it looks like you guys got it under control so I'm just gonna go. (She gets up and Rachel looks at her, upset, and Monica just stares.) No? Really? Misery really does love company. All right! (She sits back down.)

Monica: Rach, try holding her a different way.

Rachel: You guys, I'm doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try.

Phoebe: Alright, I'll try, fine! Yes, Okay!

Rachel: Here you go. (Hands Emma to Phoebe) Oh, gosh!

Phoebe: Shh! Nothing works with this child! (Hands her back.)

Rachel: Oh, God, what am I gonna do, you guys, I can't even comfort my own baby! I'm the worst mother ever!

Monica: No, you're just new at this, you'll get better. Think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn't have been easy but you figured that out.

Rachel: Yeah, I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my God, just please take her.

Monica: Okay, I'll take her. Come on. (Takes Emma)

Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes to the bathroom)

Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (Goes to scream into a pillow)

Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy... bouncy baby, bouncy baby, ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and falls asleep)

Phoebe: (entering) Have I gone deaf?

Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!

Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed!

Monica: I can't believe it! She's asleep! I got her to go to sleep! Oh, I have actual magical powers!

Phoebe: I can... I can hear traffic and birds! I can hear the voices in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) I'm kidding. (She smiles wickedly.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!

Monica: Yes I did, I'm Monica, Super Aunt!

Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!

Monica: Yes I am!!

Rachel: You're never leaving the apartment!

Monica: Say what?

Rachel: That's your new job! Day or night! She starts crying, I need you here.

Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!

Phoebe: Alright, thankfully, you don't need me at all! (gets up and to leave) So, okay, Super Aunt? See ya later! Rachel let's give it six to eight months (she leaves).

Rachel: Okay, so listen, I'm gonna go lay down.

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know the book says that whenever she's sleeping, I should be sleeping so... (She gives Monica thumbs and goes to lay down)

Chandler: (entering, loudly) Hey!

Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep

Chandler: Oh, so there can't be any yelling.

Monica: No.

Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa

Monica: (loudly) What!?

Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh!

Monica: Chandler...

Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh!(Walks backwards towards the door) I can't, I can't hear. (He runs out)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Heeey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) What happened to you?

Ross: Uh, I had a little thing with Joey. If you think this is bad you should see him.

Rachel: No, Ross! This is not good! Please, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) Alright, you have got to get over this Joey thing. Okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay?

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: You know what I really really want?

Ross: What, Rach?

Rachel: I wanna sleep. I wanna eat. I wanna take a shower. I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again.

Ross: (smiles) Right.

Rachel: I mean, because I got news for you mister, Emma? Not easy.

Ross: Well, that's what I'm here for. (Emma starts crying again) Want me to get that?

Rachel: No, it's really okay... Monica!

Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are sitting at one of the high tables.]

Joey: You know, ah, I've been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it's not my fault. It's a natural instinct.

Chandler: (enters) What are you guys talking about?

Joey: Hey, great, okay, what would you do if I did this? (Swings to punch Chandler, he moves and he ends up punching Ross, knocking him off the stool. Ross then gets up and just stares at Joey.)

End