## The One With The Boob Job (Extended Version)

Written by: Mark Kunerth
Directed by: Gary Halvorson
Transcribed by [unknown]
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.

### Scene:
Joey and Rachel's apartment.

Rachel: (Bursts in on Joey, shaving.) She's crawling! Emma's crawling!

Joey: He's bleeding! Joey's bleeding!

Rachel: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Honey, you've gotta come see this. I'm want to go get Monica and Chandler.

Joey: Oh, all right.

Rachel: Monica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Monica! Chandler! Come over! Come over! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!

Chandler: (Enters, shaving cream on face, similar to Joey.) What? What?

Joey: Hey. Shaving?

Chandler: No, rabies.

Monica: Hey. What's going on?

Rachel: It's Emma! She's crawling!

Monica: Oh!

Chandler: (Sarcastically, because Emma is motionless.) Wow, look at her go.

Rachel: Well, give her a second. Geez. (Joey sits down, Rachel notices his open robe.) Joey, Joey!

Joey: Oh! Hey, sorry!

Chandler: I can't believe how fast she's growing up. I mean, it seems like only yesterday she was farting on my lap.

Monica: Not so funny when someone does it to you, is it?

Rachel: Oh, Emma, come on! Show everybody how you were crawling.

All: Come on, Emma!

Rachel: Oh, you know what? I think we're probably distracting her. Let's everybody be still for just a minute.

Phoebe: (Enters. Sees everyone standing very still. She joins. After a moment:) Who's painting us?

### Opening Credits
(In the broadcast version, the opening credits follow the next scene, as the above scene was not present.)

### Scene:
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.

Chandler: Have you seen our bank statement? Can this be right?

Monica: I know. God, I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with Double Stuf Oreos. What happened to all of our money?

Chandler: Well, I'm not sure exactly what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.

Monica: Well, I guess with you doing the internship we're just spending more than we're bringing in.

Chandler: Yeah. Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.

Monica: Oh, but you're finally doing something that you love! I mean, I can't ask you to give that up. Although it would be nice if the thing that you love was, you know, finding gold.

Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this, okay? So we pay our bills a little late this month. And maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're a chef. What can you make out of baking soda and beer?

Monica: Alright, worst-case scenario is we borrow some money from my parents. Or you slipped on some ice at their house last month. Can we sue them?

Chandler: No! And we are not borrowing money.

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me, it was, well, to always knock before going into the poolhouse. But the other thing was never borrow money!

Monica: Wow! I had no idea you had this much pride.

Chandler: That's right! I do! I am your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard.

### Opening Credits (in the broadcast version)

### Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe are watching TV.

Mike: You know, it's just really weird.

Phoebe: Hmmm?

Mike: You don't like eating animals, but you love watching them tear each other apart.

Phoebe: No, I dont-- I don't-- Get him! Get him! Seperate the sick one from the herd!

Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek.)

Phoebe: Why?

Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.

Phoebe: Oh, you don't have to go! I have something that'll fit you.

Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.

Phoebe: I want you to stay.

Mike: I want to stay, too. But I've gotten about as much use out of these boxers as I can.

Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside--

Mike: Done it. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Phoebe: Alright. I'll miss you.

Mike: Me too. (He leaves.)

Phoebe: (Turning back to the TV.) Oh, fine. Yeah, you got away. But don't look so smug. You're going to bleed to death.

Mike: You know what? I just realized something. I don't want to go home.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, I'll go get the tube top.

Mike: No, no! What I mean is I-I hate going back to my apartment now. Partly because I live above a known crack den, but you know, mostly because when I'm there I-- it's just, i really miss you. So, do you want to move in together?

Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan. You sure know how to make a girl say, "Hell, yeah!".

Mike: So we're doing it?

Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe.) Wow, we're really going to move in together!

Mike: Yeah!

Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks! Put down the toilet seat! No, we're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun!

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey is watching TV.

Joey: Shame on you, TV Guide! A man's ass is not nudity!

Monica: (Entering) Hey, Joey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Listen, I need to know that-that what I'm about to ask you will never get back to Chandler.

(Joey frowns then looks as if he understands.)

Joey: I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it myself. But Chandler is my best friend. It would be wrong. Good, but wrong.

Monica: : Okay, first of all, it would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. Okay, I need to borrow some money.

Joey: Aw, I don't know, Monica. You know, uh, lending friends money is always a mistake.

Monica: But Chandler lent you money!

Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.

Monica: Come on. I just-- I need it for some rent and-and some other bills.

Joey: Oh. Well, how much?

Monica: Two thousand dollars?

Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?

Monica: Yeah.

Joey: That's right, I am! (Opens drawer and gets a checkbook.)

Monica: Okay, well, promise me you'll never tell Chandler. It'll really hurt his pride.

Joey: Chandler? Pride?

Monica: I know. He thinks he has it. It's really cute.

Rachel: (Entering) Hi, you guys.

Joey & Monica: Hey!

Joey: Ooh, what's in the bag?

Rachel: Oh, uh, well, you know how Emma started crawling? I realized that this place is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and I got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.

Joey: Oh, God. Baby-proofing. Why is this such a big deal now? You know, when I was a kid it was like: "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" Or, uh, "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Hah!

Monica: Anyway, um, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?

Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)

Joey: You're gonna do it?

Rachel: Yeah. Why? You don't think a woman can do this?

Joey: Oh, women can. You can't.

Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he is a pig?

Monica: You're a pig. (To Rachel:) And you can't do this.

Rachel: Wha-What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself!

Joey: The hardware store is right down the street.

Rachel: There is a hardware store right down the street?

### Scene:
Central Perk. Ross, Chanlder and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enter.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, you guys! Okay, we've got great news.

Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.

Monica, Chandler, Ross: Congratulations!/Good for you!/That's great!

Phoebe: I know, it's so exciting! You know, I've never lived with a guy before, you know.

Monica: Well, it's just like living with a girl, only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This Is What My Sister Would Look Like".(Looks at Chandler.)

Chandler: Yeah, she's not so cute.

Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Phoebe: Okay, well, you put down the toilet seat!

Mike: Yes, dear.

Monica: Is that a bit you guys do?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. We're playing you two.

Monica: We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that!

Chandler: Yes, dear.

Ross: I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's-that's great! I mean, I'm happy for you guys. I mean, he's a great catch. And those eyes.... (Notices everyone staring at him.) I'm a scientist. I observe.

Monica: Gosh, this is so exciting! You guys are really moving along. I mean, I think I hear wedding bells!

Phoebe: Monica, slow down, okay? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know, I mean, I don't know. Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. You know, I could picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know, near the good schools where Mike and I can send little Sophie and Mike Jr.? Oh, my God, I do.

Ross: Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.

Phoebe: I know! I guess I am! Oh, my God! Load up the Volvo, I want to be (puts on an annoying voice) a soccer mom!

Mike: You ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! You bet roomie!

Monica: Don't you mean "groomie"?

Chandler: Honey, leave the terrible jokes to me.

Mike: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Oh, please, these guys. We haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems a bit breathless and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe turns back to Monica.) China patterns!

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. Rachel is fiddling with the drawer.

Rachel: This is easy. "Can't do this!" (Moves away and finds her sweater sleeve stuck to the drawer.)

Rachel: Wow! Seriously, can't do this. (Fiddles more.)

### Scene:
Central Perk. Chandler sits on the couch. Joey sits at the round table

Chandler: Hey, Joe!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: (Seeing the large amount of food at Joey's table.) You here with somebody?

Joey: (Puzzled) No.

Chandler: Listen, I need to ask you a favor and we can't tell Monica anything about it.

Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.

Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods.) Look, Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.

Joey: Yeah, I know.

Chandler: What? How do you know?

Joey: Uh, I just figured it out, you know. I mean, you're not working and, uh, the economy is bad.

Chandler: Oh! Right.

Joey:(to himself.) That's the fastest I have ever thought!

Chandler: Anyway, uh, I need to borrow some money.

Joey: Oh, sure! Yeah, how much? Two thousand dollars?

Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How did you know that! (Joey begins writing a check.)

Joey: Uh, well I, uh, I know how much you used to make, and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs.)

Chandler: Oh, okay.

Joey:(To himself.) I am on FIRE!

Chandler:(Stands up and walks to Joey.) Listen, this is really nice. (sees his checkbook.) D-Did you write a check to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?

Joey: Uh, kind of.

Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?

Joey: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't, uh, it wasn't because of your money problems. It was for something for her.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Something personal. Yeah.

Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?

(Female waitress leans in front of Joey to take some dishes.)

Woman: Excuse me. (She leaves.)

Joey: Boob job.

Chandler: What? That's ridiculous. She doesn't need a boob job. Why didn't she tell me about it?

Joey: Uh, uh, she was afraid that, uh, you wouldn't be supportive.

Chandler: I'm not!

Joey: Yeah? Well, she knows you well. And now, look. You can't tell her that you know. I swore I wouldn't tell you.

Chandler: A boob job? She doesn't need that. That's crazy!

Chandler: (Alternate line in the broadcast version:) I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!

Joey: Well, it's-it's not that crazy, okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy.

### Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.

Phoebe: Hey, so where do you keep your secret box of porn?

Mike: I don't have any porn. (Pause) Back of the closet in my bedroom.

Mike: Oh, hey, I-I wanted to ask you about Monica's little "groomie" joke.

Phoebe: Oh, alright. Well, I think the reason people laughed is that's a play on the word roomie.

Mike: No, I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. No, the thing-- the thing I want to say is, ugh, maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together. You're not expecting a proposal, right?

Phoebe: Oh, no! No! Not at all. No, we're just moving in right now. We'll see where it goes.

Mike: Yeah, well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Mike: Look. Phoebe I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again.

Phoebe: Oh. Wow.

Mike: No, it's just, my first marriage was, you know, such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.

Phoebe: Mmhmm. Was it really that bad?

Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated...

Phoebe: Okay, well, that's bad, yeah. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet? Except for once in the ocean.

Mike: Look, it's-it's not about who I would marry. I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!

Phoebe: But it just...

Mike: Look, Phoebe, it's-it's not about you. I just never want to get married again.

Phoebe: Oh!

Mike: I'm sorry. Are you okay with that? Because if not, maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.

Phoebe: No! Oh, I definitely don't want to get married. No, I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to, too. Whew! 'Cause, you know, if we move in and you start changing your mind, there's gonna be hell to pay, mister!

Mike: Trust me, I will never...

Phoebe: Yeah, I get that. Yeah.

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.

Monica: Hi! So you gave in and decided to call someone?

Rachel: Yeah. I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.

Handyman: You're all set.

Rachel: Oh, thank you, so much!. Oh, oh, wait! You forgot your, uh, your game.

Handyman: Thank you.

Monica: Rach, is this my sweater?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Alright, what happened to the sleeve?

Rachel: Moths?

(Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Hey, Rach! There she is. My perfectly proportioned wife.

Rachel: Don't look at me. I never get his jokes.

Monica: Thank you?

Chandler: No, no. Don't thank me. Thank you. Do you know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not two single things.

Monica: Okay, you're being weird. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?

Chandler: No, no! No, I just love the way you look! I am warm for your form.

Monica: Okay, um, you know the old classics, like, you know, "You look nice"? They're still okay.

Chandler: Well, yes, yes. But "you look nice" can mean that I'm saying that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean, I wouldn't change it at all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: I mean, you wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any weirder.

Monica: I know! I know, why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on?

Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you know what? We're trying to get pregnant, so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change.

Rachel: No, you really think that's what it is?

Monica: You heard him! "No bigger! You're perfect! Just don't get any bigger!" My God, he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.

Rachel: Yeah! If you don't, I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger. Your ass is gonna get bigger. You're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing.) God, it's just such a magical time!

### Scene:
Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.

Phoebe: Hi.

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.

Ross: Oh, great, now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean, I can see if we're all hanging out, but to come to my home!

Phoebe: No. No, I really want to know how you feel about it.

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever want to get married.

Ross: Never?

Phoebe: Never.

Ross: Wow. Are you still going to move in with him?

Phoebe: Well, I want to, but I just wanted you to tell me that marriage really isn't that big a deal. You know, that I won't-- I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!

Ross: Yeah, marriage stinks! I mean, if you want to see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.

Phoebe: That's not how you really feel, is it.

Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look, I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but I can't help it. I-I love marriage.

Phoebe: Seriously? You? Divorce-o?

Ross: If you have to call me a name, I'd prefer "Ross, the Divorcer." It's just cooler. Look, look. I know my marriages didn't exactly work out. But, you know, I-I loved being that committed to another person. And Carol and I had some good times before she became a lesbian. And once afterward. Anyway, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Phoebe: It's okay. That's how you feel.

Ross: But come on! I mean, living together will be great! I mean, you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.

Phoebe: I do love Mike.

Ross: Yeah, see? And you were so excited about moving in together before. And you know what? You should be. It's a big deal!

Phoebe: Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.

Ross: The Divorcer to the rescue!

Phoebe: It's not cooler.

Ross: Yeah, I just heard it.

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles with the drawer. It cannot be opened.

Joey: Rach?!

(He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either.)

Joey: Rachel!?

(he walks to the bathroom and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.)

Joey: SO I CAN'T DO ANYTHING I LIKE!?

### Scene:
Chandler and Monica's apartment. Rachel and Monica are seated at the table.

Rachel: Unbelievable. Chandler wants you to have a baby, but yet he doesn't want your body to get any bigger. I mean, it's not like he's so perfect.

Monica: Hey, that's my husband.

Rachel: All right. Let's solve one problem at a time.

(Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Hey, Rach! Ah, Perfection. (kisses Monica.) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.

Monica: Honey?

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: About that? Um, I'm going to change.

Chandler: Yes, but, Honey, you don't have to.

Monica: I'm gonna get bigger!

Chandler: Honey, I-I love your breasts the way they are!

Rachel: Ugh. Fascist.

Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger whether you like it or not! And-and you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger, too.

Chandler: Your ass?!

Rachel: And don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger, too!

Chandler: They do that?

Monica: It's kind of a package deal!

Chandler: God, why? Why would you want to do that to yourself!?

Monica: I thought it was something that we both wanted!

Chandler: Alright, look. If it means that much to you, I may be able to get on board with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?

Rachel: Oh, my God, Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little person that's shooting out of her!?

Chandler: What?

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. He's prying the drawer with a hockey stick, to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.

Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey: Because she is!

Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey: Mmhmm! For your boob job!

Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe!

Joey: Okay, so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

### Scene:
Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.

Ross: Hey. Hey, what do you guys think about this: Ross, the Divorce Force.

Phoebe: Better.

Ross: Yeah?

Mike: Very cool.

Ross: Hey, Pheebs? You know, I'm-I'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I-I hope I was a little helpful.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, you were helpful! Yeah, no. Thank you.

Ross: Good, good. Yeah, 'cause the more I thought about it, the more I realized I don't think marriage is necessarily the right path for you.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were all caught up in the whole soccer-mom thing. But is that really you? I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?

Phoebe: They are awfully boxy.

Ross: You now, look. People like me like stability and security. You don't. And that's what's so incredible about you. You know, you got this wild and crazy life!

I mean, I don't know, you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean, it's so normal.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel enter, carrying a couch.)

Ross: Hey. Hey, can-can I help?

Chandler: Well! We, uh, climbed up four flights of stairs, maneuvered a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbull. But these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.

Ross: You know, sometimes your words, they hurt.

Joey: Hey, uh, where do you guys want this?

Rachel: Yeah, seriously, 'cause this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go.) I mean, not for me because I'm only pretending to hold it, but for these guys.

Phoebe: (To Mike) Just one last time. Um, the marriage thing. There's no wiggle room? None at all?

Mike: No, but you don't want to get married either, right?

Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get married.

Joey:(voice strained.) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck, huh?

Mike: You want to get married?

Phoebe: Someday.

Chandler: Aaaaand hernia.

Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life. And-and I never really felt like I was missing out on anything. But it just- it feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.

Mike: Well, if you want to get married, why didn't you say something before?

Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.

Mike: Well, I want to live with you too! Let's do that!

Phoebe: But I don't think I can! It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen. But I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.

Monica: I said to bring the cushions up first, but no.

Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean, you might change your mind about marriage.

Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours?

Mike: No.

Phoebe: Me neither. Um, I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.

Mike: But I don't want this to end.

Phoebe: No, I don't want it to end either.

Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I-I guess I'll have my stuff picked up.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Mike: Okay, so, uh...(They embrace.) Goodbye.

Everyone: Take it easy, Mike / Bye, bye Mike! / See ya, Mike.

Rachel: I'm so sorry, Pheebs.

Monica: We're all sorry.(They hug.)

Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side. I mean, at least you won't have to live with this ugly chair. That was here already, huh? I love you.(they hug again.)

### Ending Credits

### Scene:
Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open.

Joey: Ah-ha! I did it! I did it! Ha-ha! All right.(He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) I better take all I can carry. Who knows when I'll be able to get in here again, huh?

### END