## The One With Princess Consuela (Extended Version)

[Season 10 Episode 14]

Teleplay by: Tracy Reilly
Story by: Robert Carlock
Produced by: Robert Carlock & Wendy Knoller
Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.

### [Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are having a diner party with Phoebe and Mike.]

Mike: (raising his glass) Thank you, guys, for having us over.

Phoebe: Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night.

Chandler: Yeah, I don't know why we don't hang out with married couples more often.

Monica: Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.

Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.

Ross: (entering) Hey, you guys, I have great news.

Monica: Ross? We're kind of in the middle of diner here.

Ross: Oh, well, uh, I already ate, but sure!(Ross grabs a plate) Guess what happened at work today.

Chandler: A dinosaur died a million years ago?

Ross: Uh, try 65 million years ago. And then try: Ssh! My, uh, tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good.

Phoebe: Wow!

Ross: Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles? Huh? I am gonna get laid.

Rachel: (entering) Hi, you guys.

All: Hey.

Rachel: Oh, Italian! (she grabs a plate)

Monica: No one-- No one wanted seconds, right?

Ross: N-no, I-I'm good.

Rachel: Hey, you guys, you're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me.

Ross: I'm up for tenure.

Rachel: Congratulations!

Ross: You too! What are the odds?

Rachel: Oh! (they hug)

Joey: (entering) Guess what? I finally got that seed out of my teeth.

Monica: I don't know who I'm happiest for.

Phoebe: I do, he's been working on that all day! (looking at Joey)

### OPENING CREDITS

### [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Monica and Chandler on their couch.]

Phoebe: Hey, Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing?

Monica: No. No, it felt nice to acknowledge this.

Phoebe: Where did you go to do it?

Monica: Um, the, uh, the ministry of names. Bureau.

Chandler: You never did it!

Monica: I'm sorry. It's just the idea of-of being an official Bing.

Chandler: Hey! I will have you know that-- Ah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me.

Mike: (walks up with coffee for Phoebe) Here you go.

Phoebe: Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name?

Mike: Oh, it's just-- It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it.

Phoebe: All right. (To Chandler) Let's see, call me Mrs. Hannigan.

Chandler: Mrs. Hannigan?

Phoebe: (crossly) What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it.

Joey: (enters) Hey, guys.

Chandler: Hey, Joe. We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us?

Joey: No, thank you.

Monica: Joey, I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house.

Chandler: Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city.

Joey: Uh, no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find that on the map.

Chandler: No, Joey. Escrow is-- There's money, and-- It's not the bank exactly. I don't know what it is.

Monica: Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us.

Joey: You know what? You are my friends. I wanna be supportive. I will come with you. Shotgun!

Chandler: Damn it.

Monica: Alright, see you guys later.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: (to Joey) We'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming.

Joey: Alright.

Phoebe: Good for you. That was really mature.

Joey: What? No. The only reason I'm going to their stupid new house is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here!

Mike: You're a strange kind of grownup.

Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's-- he's just--

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Can we not talk about that now?

Phoebe: Alright, prude. (To Joey) Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here.

Joey: Hey, hey. I can convince people to do anything. You know, I bet I can even get Mike to do that thing. What is it?

(Phoebe whispers something in Joey's ear, but after hearing it he jumps up, shocked)

Joey: I am not gonna help you do that! Oh, my--

### [Scene: A restaurant. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: (to maitre d') Hi. Um, I'm here to see Mr. Campbell with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It-It's spelled like "Gucky," which can be confusing.

Maitre d': Mr. Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table.

(They walk toward the table. Rachel suddenly gasps. Sitting nearby is Mr. Zellner, her boss from her current job at Ralph Lauren.)

Rachel: Oh, my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else.

Maitre d': I'm sorry. That's always Mr. Campbell's table.

Rachel: But my-- But my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job.

Maitre d': I know. With "Gucky."

Rachel: Shh!

Mr Zellner: Rachel?

Rachel: Hi, I'm on a date!

Mr Zellner: (confused) That's great!

Rachel: Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom. Career. You gotta get out there!

Mr Zellner: Well, you've got a good energy.

Rachel: Ah.

Mr Campbell: Rachel?

Rachel: Yes, hi!

Mr Campbell: James Campbell.

Rachel: Hi! (to Mr. Zellner) Excuse us.

Mr Campbell: Please. (motions for her to sit)

Rachel: Okay. Ah, well, (whispering to Mr. Zellner) he's cute. Thank you, JewHunks.com, huh?

Mr Campbell: So, your resume is quite impressive. (Mr Zellner is overhearing with curiosity)

Rachel: Wha-- My resume? I wouldn't-- I wouldn't call my-my online dating profile a resume.

Mr Campbell: Dating profile? No, I-I'm talking about the work resume.

Rachel: (starts singing, an extended chorus of La-la-la) Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh?

Mr Campbell: Maybe people found it weird. So why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren?

Rachel: What? I-I don't.

Mr Campbell: You don't?

Rachel: No, I-I-I love it there.

Mr Campbell: Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch?

(Rachel mimes and mouths to Mr. Campbell "That is my boss", pointing to Mr. Zellner)

Mr Campbell: What?

Rachel: (barely even whispering) That's my boss.

Mr Campbell: That's Hugo Boss?

Mr Zellner: (Turning to join the conversation) Uh, I believe what she's trying to tell you is that I'm her boss.

Mr Campbell: Mr. Boss, it is a pleasure to meet you.

### [Scene: A counter at a government building. Phoebe's waiting in line.]

Phoebe: (to the woman behind her) This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. (she turns around to the clerk, who heard her.) But you obviously haven't.

Clerk: How can I help you?

Phoebe: Um, I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. (the clerk shows no change in expression whatsoever) You're fun.

Clerk: You need to fill out this form.

Phoebe: Okay, well, I just-- I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is, uh, Buffay, and my husband's name is Hannigan. So is it supposed to be "Buffay-Hannigan" or "Hannigan-Buffay"?

Clerk: It can be anything you want.

Phoebe: Well, not anything.

Clerk: Yeah. Anything.

Phoebe: (Smiling and imagining the possibilities) Oh, this could take a while.

Clerk: Get out of my line.

Phoebe: Okay.

### [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are there when Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, not anymore. I changed it today.

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Mrs. Hannigan.

Phoebe: Wrong again! Apparently, you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.

Monica: Phoebe--

Phoebe: Ah! Princess Consuela.

Monica: You seriously changed your name to that?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Monica: Okay, so from now on, we have to call you Princess Consuela?

Phoebe: Um, no. I-I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie.

(Rachel enters, looking depressed)

Chandler: Hey, how'd the interview go?

Rachel: Ugh. Not good.

Chandler: You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think.

Rachel: Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.

Chandler: That is a bad interview.

Phoebe: What are you-- W-What are you talking about? How'd this happen?

Rachel: Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me into his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! No, yes, I am." And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that, in, fact was true.

Monica: Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

(Ross enters with a bottle in his hand)

Ross: Hey! Wha-- Well, what's-- what's this? Why, it's a-- It's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here?

Phoebe: Ross--

Ross: I guess it's here because I got tenure!

All (except Rachel): Congratulations!

Ross: This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther. Six glasses!

Gunther: Six? (smiling hopefully) Y-you want me to join you?

Ross: Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. (Gunther leaves, hurt) Wow, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.

(Ross steps away to collect glasses from Gunther)

Phoebe: Okay, I'll tell him.

Rachel: No. No, nobody tell him. This is a big night for him. I don't wanna spoil it.

Monica: Are you sure?

Rachel: Yeah, I'll be fine.

Ross: (returning) Okay. Everybody take one, okay?

Chandler: Ooh. Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla.

Ross: I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery. Hey, Rach, so, uh, how did your thing go?

Rachel: Oh, it-- Good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear about that for a couple of days.

Ross: Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it.

Phoebe: Can you?

Rachel: All right, everybody, here's to Ross!

Ross: And-and to years of hard work finally paying off.

Phoebe: And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything.

Ross: But also knowing it means a lot.

Monica: But more importantly, to full, well-rounded lives.

Ross: That center around work.

Chandler: To Ross!

All (except Rachel): Ross!

(they all drink from the champagne, but clearly dislike the taste of it)

Ross: You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired.

Phoebe: Oh, God!

Ross: No, seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I-I never have to worry. (Rachel starts crying) Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me.

Rachel: (crying) No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job.

Ross: Oh, my-- Rach, I'm so sorry.

Rachel: Oh!

Ross: Great. I feel like an idiot.

Rachel: No, it's okay. You didn't know.

Ross: Oh. (He hugs her. To the others) Little heads-up would have been nice.

### [Scene: Chandler and Monica's future house. They enter the living room with the realtor and Joey.]

Monica: Thank you for letting us see the house again.

Chandler: And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means. I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you.

Realtor: Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. (she leaves the room)

Monica: Thanks. (to Joey) Aw, so glad you decided to come.

Joey: Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Fungus. Yeah. Place is full of it.

Monica: No, it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything.

Joey: Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason.

Monica: Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here.

Joey: Maybe. So this is the, uh, living room, huh? Oof, it's pretty dark. (starts feeling around him like he's in a completely dark room, touching Chandler, who steps back and slaps Joey's hand away, when it starts to get low.)

Monica: No, it's not!

Joey: (squinting his eyes) Are you kidding? I think I just saw a bat in the corner!

Chandler: When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it?

Joey: (glares at him for a moment, then admits grudgingly) Maybe. Look, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or-or any other house for that matter.

Monica: Oh, Joey. Look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really-- We love it here.

Joey: Fine! Okay, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. (He turns his back to them and starts humming) Mmmmmmmm...

Monica: Joey, we know that's you.

Joey: No mmmmmm it's not mmmmmmmmmmm...

### [Scene: Phoebe is at Central Perk. Mike enters.]

Mike: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! (They kiss.) Welcome back!

Mike: Ah, I missed you

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Mike: So, what's new?

Phoebe: Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.

Mike: That's great! You changed you name?

Phoebe: Yes, I did. Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.! (She giggles joyously)

Mike: (afraid) You're kidding right?

Phoebe: Nope.

Mike: You really did that?

Phoebe: Yep.

Mike: Y-y-you can't do that.

Phoebe: Why? Why? It's fun. It's different. No one else has a name like it.

Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.

Phoebe: Great! Okay, what are you gonna change it to?

Mike: Crap Bag.

Phoebe: Mike Crap Bag?

Mike: No. No "Mike." No, just-just Crap Bag. First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.

Phoebe: You're not serious, right?

Mike: Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that!

Phoebe: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, then, great. If you love it, I love it.

Mike: I do love it. And I love your name. I love Princess Consuela.

Phoebe: And I love Crap. (Though she's visibly shaken)

### [Scene: Joey is in Monica and Chandler's future house, sitting in a child's playroom, looking math flash cards.]

Joey: (turns the card around to check the answer and is disappointed) Oh!

(A young girl enters)

Girl: Who are you?

Joey: Oh, hi. I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you?

Girl: I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house.

Joey: Oh.

Mackenzie: (sighs) I hate my parents.

Joey: I hate my friends. (They shake on it as if they just made a pact) Alright, look. There's-there's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening.

Mackenzie: Like what?

Joey: (thinking) Uh-- Oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted!

Mackenzie: What are you, eight?

Joey: Uh, w-well, okay, let's hear your great idea.

Mackenzie: I don't have any great ideas. I am eight.

Joey: Ugh. There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?

Mackenzie: I really don't.

Joey: What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends.

Mackenzie: My parents say I'm gonna make new friends.

Joey: Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways.

Mackenzie: This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. (Joey glares at her angrily) Look, you want your friends to be happy, right?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Mackenzie: Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it?

Joey: Yeah. Maybe.

Mackenzie: Then you gotta let them go.

Joey: Oh, I hate to admit it, but you're-- You're probably right. How did you get to be so smart?

Mackenzie: I read a lot.

Joey: (his mod changes instantly) Just when I thought we could be friends. (he leaves the room)

### [Scene: Outside Ralph Lauren building. Rachel is walking out, carrying a box of her stuff. A man approaches her.]

Man: Oh, hey Rach. I just heard. I'm so sorry.

Rachel: Oh, thank you--(looks at his face, uncertain)

Man: You still don't know my name, do you?

Rachel: (Is embarrassed for a moment, but it quickly passes) Well, now I don't have to. (The man leaves instantly)

(In the meantime, Ross is trying push a large chair through the revolving doors of the building.)

Rachel: Ross, what is taking you so long?

Ross: (stares at her through the door and starts pushing the chair harder, looking very annoyed. He finally manages) (sarcastic) I'm sorry. It's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway!

(Mark approaches from behind and recognizes her)

Mark: Rachel?

Rachel: (turns around) Mark? Oh, my God! (puts the box on the chair and they hug each other)

Mark: How've you been?

Rachel: I'm fantastic. You remember Ross?

Mark: Sure, sure. (To Ross) What's with the chair? (Rachel signals him not to mention she's been fired)

Ross: Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so.... (laughs awkwardly)

Mark: Clever. (back to Rachel) So-so how are you?

Rachel: Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day.

Mark: Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say "big promotion."

Rachel: No, but it's good, you know. I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work.

Mark: Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton.

Rachel: Well, screw charity work. What do you got?

Mark: Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it?

Rachel: Great! I'll call ya!

Mark: (shakes Ross' hand) Nice to see you.

Ross: Yeah! Yeah. I got tenure! (Mark looks at him strangely and walks off)

Rachel: (very excited) Oh, my God!

Ross: See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've-I've met him before?

Rachel: Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him.

Ross: That is Mark?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross: I hate that guy!

Rachel: Oh--

Ross: No, no, no. No. You cannot go to dinner with him.

Rachel: What? You don't want me to get a job?

Ross: Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his sex-retary.

Rachel: Ugh.

Ross: I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay?

Rachel: Ross, you know what? (looks over to the door and sees security staring at them) Okay, let's talk about it later. There comes security. (Takes her box and leaves. Ross follows her and then returns for the chair. He stands for a moment, then pushes it quickly in the general direction Rachel went, and nonchalantly follows it.)

### [Scene: Chandler and Monica's new house. Sitting near the window, they look at the neighborhood.]

Monica: Oh, I love this street. The trees. The big front yards. And the actual picket fences.

Chandler: Man, those two dogs are going at it!

Joey: (entering) Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey, where you been?

Joey: Oh, just, uh, you know, looking around. But you know what? This house is great.

Chandler: Really? What changed your mind?

Joey: Oh, well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Chandler: Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died, like, 30 years ago.

(Joey's eyes double in size)

Joey: What?

Chandler: Ha! I'm just messing with you.

Joey: That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little-girl ghosts!

Monica: Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room?

Joey: What? I get my own room?

Chandler: You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you?

Joey: Oh, my God! (they all hug) Oh! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing?

Chandler and Monica: No!

Joey: Why not? I'll keep the tank clean.

### [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are leaving.]

Mike: After you, Miss Bananahammock.

Phoebe: Thank you, Mister Bag.

(a woman enters and recognizes Phoebe)

Woman: Oh, hey! How are you?

Phoebe: Oh, hi, Rita. Good! (to Mike) Oh, Rita's a massage client.

Mike: Oh! Why don't you introduce me?

Phoebe: (shrugs) Er, Rita, this is my husband.

Rita: Oh! (they shake hands)

Phoebe: Yeah.

Mike: Why don't you tell her my name?

Phoebe: Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband, Crap Bag.

Rita: Crap Bag?

Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

Rita: Okay. Excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah. (To Mike) Ugh. Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?

Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.

Phoebe: How about, um-- How about Buffay-Hannigan?

Mike: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock.

Mike: Do you even know what a banana hammock is?

Phoebe: It's a funny word.

Mike: It's a Speedo.

Phoebe: Oh, crap.

### [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]

Monica: What are you thinking about?

Chandler: Oh, you know. The two dogs.

Ross: (entering) Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Ross: She's still at dinner?

Monica: I guess. Why? Who's she with?

Ross: That guy, Mark. From Bloomingdale's. She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her.

Chandler: It's seven years ago. (he looks surprised) My time machine works!

Ross: We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants.

Monica: So, what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute.

Chandler: Excuse me?

Monica: Oh, please! Yesterday on the subway, you couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts, the whole time.

Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.

Monica: Oh, sorry!

(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes "big breasts" to Ross and lip syncs "Wow". Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the "big breasts" mime into "rocking a baby".

Rachel: (entering) Hi, you guys.

Ross: Oh, hi! So, uh, how was dinner?

Rachel: Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet.

Ross: Oh, yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want?

Rachel: Oh, Ross!, Come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins.

Ross: Should we send something?

Chandler: How did the job stuff go?

Rachel: He offered me one.

Chandler: That's great!

Ross: Congratulations!

Rachel: I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great--

Ross: Can we-- Can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? Huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. (gasps) You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israel's finest.

Rachel: The job is in Paris. (they all stare at each other)

### COMMERCIAL BREAK

### [Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Joey's on the phone.]

Joey: I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies?

Mackenzie: I don't know. But you know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. (she puts the phone to a Teddy Bear's ear)

Joey: Hey, Bailey, I need some career advice.

### THE END