## The One With Phoebe's Rats (Extended Version)

[Season 9 Episode 12]

Screenplay by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones
Directed by: Ben Weiss
Transcribed by: Roni Raab
Further revisions and extended DVD content added (in blue) by Darcy Partridge.

### Scene:
Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey. Where's-where's Mon?

Chandler: Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight.

Joey: And you're not helping?

Chandler: I tried, but apparently singing, I Will Survive in a helium voice -- not helping.

(Ross and Rachel enter with Emma in Rachel's hands)

Ross: Hey, you guys!

Joey and Chandler:(start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday...

Rachel: Shhh! Don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me.

Ross: Uh, good news, everyone. We finally found a nanny. This is Molly. Molly, Chandler, Joey.

Joey and Chandler: Hi.

Molly: Hi.

(Emma starts to cry)

Ross: Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy.

Joey: You're damn right I am. I've been waiting for a cookie for seven minutes.

Rachel: Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside.

Molly: No, you stay, I'll do it (takes Emma from Rachel).

Rachel: Okay, thank you.

Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).

Joey: Yeah, you too.

(Molly leaves)

Rachel: Oh, wow, Molly is just great!

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny.

Rachel: What? You really think she's hot?

Chandler: Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now.

Rachel: (Stammers a bit.) Joey?

Joey: How do you think she's doing?

Rachel: Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross?

Ross: Eh, I mean, I mean, she's not unattractive, but hot? Eh....

Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee)

Chandler: Now that Rachel's gone?

Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)

### OPENING CREDITS

### Scene:
Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle

Phoebe: Hey, Mike, what's the capital of Peru?

Mike: Lima.

Phoebe: No. Um, it starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "t-o" in the middle.

Mike: You know, come to think of it, the capital of Peru is "Vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh, God! Oh!

Phoebe: What?

Mike: Okay, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.

Phoebe:(relived) Oh, yeah. No, that's Bob.

Mike: What, he's your pet rat?

Phoebe: Well, not so much a pet, as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.

Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.

Phoebe: What are those?

Mike: I don't know, but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!

Phoebe: Okay, fine! If it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.

Mike: Thank you.

Phoebe: It's so weird that you think he's so gross, yet you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)

### Scene:
Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there

Rachel: Hello!

Gavin: Hello.

Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again, for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an apology.

Gavin: For what?

Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious.

Gavin: Is this your first apology?

Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you.

(Heather walks in)

Heather: Good morning!

Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what? Hey, new day, new leaf. I am just really, really happy... (sees Gavin staring at Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say, so I'll just wait till it's finished.

Gavin: What?

Rachel: I was giving you an apology and you were totally checking her out!

Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area.

Rachel: Oh, wow. You are really... you're really a creep.

Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, okay? This is a work environment. She's your subordinate.

Gavin: But it was okay when you slept with your old assistant,Tag?

Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One: I didn't know that you knew that. And two: I wasn't some creep staring at his ass. We had... we had a deap meaningful relationship.

Gavin: Huh. What was Tag's last name?

Rachel: It was.... (can't remember) Oh, my God. He didn't, he didn't have a last name. It was just-just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses.

Gavin: But it was a deep, meaningful relationship.

Rachel: Oh, you know what? My first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant. You are pompous. Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Ha!

Gavin: It was Jones.

Rachel: Yeah, well, what are you, his boyfriend?

### Scene:
Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey

Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.

Molly: You mean, when you were a baby?

Joey: Sure.

(Chandler is staring at Molly)

Monica: Would you stop staring at her?

Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering.

Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.

Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Chandler: Looks like Joey's doing all right with her.

Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.

Molly:(to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the apartment.

Ross: Okay, I'll be, uh, home right after work. Okay, bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma, I lovey-wovey-dove you!

Molly: Bye!

Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk. It's not so good.

Molly: Nah, I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)

Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma!

Rachel:(to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey. Uh, about Molly. I would really prefer if you didn't go after her.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.

Joey: So, what, you-you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out there, okay? Just-just forget about her, okay? Just... she's off limits.

Joey: Oh, man! What'd you have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have her, it makes me want her even more!

Ross: What are you, a child?

Joey: Yes!

Chandler: It's true. He's like a little boy. Like Ben! Just think of him as a really, really, really horny Ben.

Ross: (to Chandler) No! (to Joey) Look, Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.

Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)

Monica:(to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)

Ross:(Noticed Joey now focusing on him, confrontationally:) You wanna piece of this?

### Scene:
Phoebe's place. Phoebe and Mike are there

Phoebe: Hey, Mikey

Mike: Hey, Pheeb.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Mike: Setting rat traps.

Phoebe: To kill Bob?

Mike: No! No, to test his neck strength.

Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet, you know, a friendly possum and a wisecracking owl.

Mike: Okay, okay. I'll throw away the traps.

Phoebe: Alright, I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh, wait, I think I hear him. Oh, my God! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!

Mike: Better think of a new name for her.

Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.

Mike: I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure that we...(they hear a trap snap somewhere else in the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Oh, my God! We killed Bob!?

Mike: Maybe-maybe it wasn't Bob. Maybe it was a mouse.

Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check)

### Scene:
Monica and Chandler's apartment.

Chandler is watching TV. A gunshot is heard.

Chandler: That's it? It's over? Who shot J.R.? WHO SHOT J.R.!? I have got to get a job!

Ross:(Enters. In a funny voice:) Whazzup?

Chandler: Seriously, dude. Three years ago.

Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey? Make sure nothing happens between him and Molly?

Chandler: You don't trust him?

Ross: Wh... No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the hot nanny.

Chandler: Is this really your long term plan? For me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.

Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on, man. I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two. But for now, can you please just do this for me?

Chandler: All right, fine. But don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.

Ross: Well, well, I mean, we gotta do something, okay? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)

Chandler: Picturing that tree?

Ross: I am, yes.

### Scene:
Hallway, Joey get out of his apartment and Chandler jumps out of his

Chandler: Where you going, Joe?

(Joey falls on floor and gets up)

Joey: For a walk.

Chandler: Oh. You mind if I join you?

Joey: Actually, I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.

Chandler: Your thoughts? Plural?

Joey: All right, fine! I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny! I gotta see her!

Chandler: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe.

Joey: Now you're telling me I can't see her? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like-like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy.

Chandler: Look, I know. She's the most beautiful woman in the world.

Monica: I can hear you!

Chandler: Could you set my pillow and blanket on the couch for me, please?

Joey: Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there?

Chandler: Yes, as a matter of fact he did. So I can't let you go.

Joey: Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of.

Chandler: Great novels?

Joey: Fine! Mediocre porn.

### Scene:
Rachel's office, Rachel and Gavin there, phone rings, Gavin picks it up

Gavin: Gavin Mitchell's office.

Rachel: Rachel Green's office! Give me that phone! (takes the phone) Hello, this is Rachel Green. How can I help you? Uh-huh. Okay, then. I'll pass you back to your son. (gives phone to Gavin)

Gavin: Hey, Mom. No, that's just my secretary. (Rachel is upset)

Rachel: Um, excuse me, Gavin. I have a question I need to ask you.

Gavin: Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. (hangs up)(to Rachel) Yes?

Rachel: If you like looking at butts so much, why don't you just go look at a mirror?

Gavin: Thank God you finally said that. I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. (Rachel throws away that paper) Man, I really bug you, don't I?

Rachel: Oh, no, please. I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very, very nice to you, you momma's boy. Starting right now.

(door knock, Monica enters)

Monica: Hey, Rach!

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: Ready for your birthday lunch?

Rachel: I am, I am! Oh, but first, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleague and more importantly my wonderful friend, Gavin Mitchell.

Gavin: Pleased to meet you.

Monica: Pleased to meet you! So, are you coming to Rachel's party tonight?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Gavin can't. He already has plans, most likely with his mother.

Gavin: Well, I don't mind, I'll cancel them. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. (leaves)

Rachel: Why did you invite him? I can't stand that guy!

Monica: You were just being so nice to him!

Rachel: I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake?

(A man walks by)

Rachel: Hey, Mr. Philips, nice suit!

Monica: Right there! That was so fake!

Rachel: Shh!

### Scene:
Rachel's birthday party

Monica: Hey, Chandler, which do you like better, the tuna tartare or the mushroom empanadas? (Chandler looks confused.) The pile of raw fish, or the tacos?

Chandler: Oh, the tacos. Definitely, the tacos.

Rachel:(to Monica) Oh, hi. I still can't believe you invited Gavin. I mean, he is just the last person I want to see.

Monica: Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time.

Rachel: God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up. The guy hates me.

Monica: Does he?

Rachel: What?

Monica: Maybe he keeps bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Lange would always push me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me?

Rachel: Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over.

Molly:(with Emma in a basinet) She's out. I'm gonna take her home.

Rachel: Oh, okay, thank you. (To Emma:) Bye, sweetheart. (Molly leaves)(To Monica:) Do you see what all the guys see in her?

Monica: Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! (put her glass down)

(Joey comes over)

Joey: Hey, Rach. So can I sing Happy Birthday to you now?

Rachel: Yeah, sure!

Joey: Aw, alright. (Starts to sing) Happy birth.... (sees Molly leaving) Oh, see you later. (runs after Molly)

Monica: Hey, Rach, somebody got you shoes!

Rachel: Oh, give me! Wow, wow. (Opens the box, then screams.) Oh, my God! She and Mon jump up the sofa.)

Phoebe: Careful, careful! These are my rat babies!

Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.

Rachel: Ohhhh! You brought rats to my birthday party?

Monica: So this is what a stroke feels like.

Phoebe: I had to bring them! We killed their mother. They're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother.

Rachel: Are you comparing my daughter to a rat?

Phoebe: No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them.

Rachel: W-wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats?

Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry Rachel. But I'm not like you, okay? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)

(Ross gets out of the bathroom, sees Chandler)

Ross: Hey, where-where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.

Chandler:(In a helium voice, holding a balloon) I'm sorry, I got a little preoccupied.

Ross: Look, we have to stop them before something happens!

Chandler:(still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)

### Scene:
Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch

Joey: So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work.

Molly: So, where did you study?

Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.

Molly: No, where did you study acting?

Joey: Molly, people don't study acting.

(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)

Ross: Molly, uh, uh, do you mind, uh, giving us just a minute?

Molly: Sure, I'll go check on Emma.

Ross: Thanks.

(Molly gets up and walks away)

Joey:(upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess?

Ross: Well, what do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch?

Joey: No. The leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actually like her and might want something real? (pause) Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, okay? I didn't think I could ever love again.

(pause)

Ross and Chandler: Come on! Joe!

Joey: (Confessing:) All right!

(knock on door, Ross opens, it's a woman.)

Woman: Hi, is Molly here?

Ross: Yeah. Yeah, come on in. Molly?

Molly:(Comes back into the room) Oh, hey! Guys, this is Tabitha. (they kiss on the lips in a romantic way). (to Ross) I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Okay. (they leave the room. There is a long pause) Uh, well, Joey, I guess we have no problem.

Joey: It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! (Chandler looks at him) The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian!

### Scene:
Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike enter

Phoebe: Okay, okay. You start preparing the formula and I'll start changing the box, and then we gotta put them straight to bed.

Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?

Phoebe: Well, you know what? They're our responsibility now.

Mike: Okay, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them?

Phoebe: Mate? They're all brothers and sisters.

Mike: Yeah. Not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animal.

Phoebe: No. Really? (opens the box) Oh, my... get off your sister! Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like... (starts counting with her fingers) That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do?

Mike: Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could: Not let the box of rats ruin our lives.

Phoebe: Yeah, okay. I guess you're right. All right, so we should just give them away. But to nice families with-with children and reduced fat Wheat Thins. Those were Bob's favorites.

Mike: It's gonna be ok.

Phoebe: You must think I'm crazy.

Mike: No, I think you're sweet.

Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet, have I?

### Scene:
Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hi. Thanks for the party, Honey. Should I help you clean up?

Monica: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything all right?

Rachel: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.

Monica: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk, Gavin from your office, didn't show up (Gavin shows up at the balcony windows).

Rachel: Ahhhhh.

Gavin: Yeah, I hate him. (comes in to the balcony)

Monica: Oh, we weren't talking about you. Nope. No way to recover.

Rachel: Uh-uh.

Monica: No. (She goes back inside)

Gavin: Fun party.

Rachel: Well, it was. And you would have seen it if you didn't show up at (looks at his watch) 9:30? God! Oh, this party was lame.

Monica:(from inside) Again, you're welcome.

Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.

Rachel: Oh, you bought me a present! Why?

Gavin: Let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents and a cake. Perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Okay, I, uh, I got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you.

Rachel: Aww. Well, okay, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"

Gavin: I really mean it.

Rachel:(opens the present, it's a green scarf) Aww, aww. Oh, it's beautiful.

Gavin: If you don't mind? (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!

Rachel: See, Gavin. You're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?

Gavin: I'm not sure.

Rachel: Well, Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.

Gavin: I do have feelings for you.

Rachel: You do?

Gavin: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.

Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you... (he kisses her) ...and you do that. (they kiss again)

(Cut to Ross looking on from his appartment, holding baby toys and upset to see them kissing.)

### ENDING CREDITS

Chandler:(sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid. I was petrified. (very happy)

Phoebe:(walks in) Hey!

Chandler:(normal voice) Hey.

Phoebe: Listen, I-I think I've left something here.

Chandler: Oh, well, somebody left this (shows a green jacket). Is this is yours?

Phoebe:(likes the jacket) No, but I like it. No, I think I left one of my rat babies.

Chandler: Oh, uh, well, no, I haven't seem it. But if I do, I'll let you know.

Monica: Oh! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! (runs screaming from the bedroom)

Phoebe:(takes a moment to realize) Oh, maybe that's him!

### END