# The One With George Stephanopoulos (Extended Version)

Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig
Further revisions and extended DVD material added by Darcy Partridge.

NOTES:
Lines in blue are unique to the extended DVD release.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey. They are already in the middle of conversation.]

Phoebe: Oh, that's good!

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain forest. And bigger boobs!

Ross: Well, see, you took mine, so.... Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.)

All: Hey, Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead then I got no reason to live.

Ross: Joey, uh, OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry. I had not idea. I thought it was a theoretical question.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica notice that Phoebe is asleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place. Libraries, airplanes, movie theaters--

Monica: When you were little, you slept through the Grand Canyon.

Ross: Hello? Mom and Dad never took us to the Grand Canyon.

Monica nods to disagree.

Ross: Mom and Dad took us to the Grand Canyon?

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking, startled) Oh! What? What? What? Hi.

Ross: It's okay. You know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What's going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend and they're both kind of insecure in bed. So-- and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his steps.)

Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

Chandler: You got way too much free time, man.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: Hockey tickets. Rangers-Penguins. Tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? Huh?

Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. The-Glass-Is-Half-Empty.

Ross: Oh, my God. Uh,, is today the 20th? October 20th?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember.

Ross: Oh.

Joey: What's wrong with the 20th?

Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween? All the good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Had sex.

Joey: You told your sister that?

Ross: Believe me, I told everyone.

You know what? I-I better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) Come on, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice! Guys' night out! Come on, what do you say, big guy? (Pretending to punch him in the gut.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: Come on, Ross.

Ross: Alright, alright. Maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big foam finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.)

Rachel: Look, look, look, look, look! My first paycheck! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed.

Monica: Wow. You worked in a mine?

Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it. I steamed milk for it. And it was totally (opens envelope) not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what-- Chandler, look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad.

Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job.

Ross: You can totally, totally live on this.

Monica: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ross: Hey, by the way, great service tonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne, coming in the door. The guys pause in curiosity, then come back to their senses.) Hockey! Hockey.

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh, my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.)

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, and it's true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) God, look at you! You are so big! I can't believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

Rachel: Kiki, you look phenomenal. I mean, you've lost, like, a ton of weight. (Joanne secretly motions that Kiki has been making herself throw up.) And you should-- really, really, it's time to stop. You look perfect. Anyway.

(to Joanne) So what's going on with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news: (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look! I have elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler: Russ Bolen passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease! There's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)

Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first-- You know. In fact, she, uh, she never took them off. Because we, we... (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops again and sighs.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh, we had--

Joey: Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically....

Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.

Ross: Then we, uh, we got dressed, and I-I-I walked her to the-- (looks up, realises, and points) The bus stop. (Sighs again.) I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? I thought we were trying to find stuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: Well, come on, you guys. Tell me all the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.

Joanne: Come on, this is us.

Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job. You-you know, I even do my own laundry.

Kiki: (Laughs. Then realizes she's serious.) Ooh!

Rachel: I-- this is what I'm doing now.

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Hey, I'm not just waitressing. I mean, I'm, I, um, I write the specials on the specials board. And, uh, and I, uh, I take the, uh, dead flowers out of the vase. Um, oh, and sometimes Arturo lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well, your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay, how would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What's that?

Monica: Well, it's rum, and--

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines. We got cookie dough. We got Twister. (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, God. Ask them what they want.

Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!

Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just want to see if you're okay.

Rachel: They want to know if I'm okay. Okay. They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money. Everyone I know is either getting married, or getting pregnant, or getting promoted, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay. Okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh, Rachel has left the building. Can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, come on! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]

Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No. Actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night. It was the first frost.

Joey: Come on, sit. Just sit down. Sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independent thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something. But then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up and there was this-this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs. Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him, but--

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan. You know, it was clear. Everything was figured out. And now everything's just kinda like--

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Well, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. I mean, you've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be un-floopy.

Phoebe: Yeah, like that's a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if-- what if it doesn't come together?

Monica: Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well, because you just-- I don't like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see? See, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]

Ross: Get him! Get-- Get him! Get him! Get-- Yes! Not laughing now, are you pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See that, buddy? That's all you needed. A bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He's open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)

Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)

Joey and Chandler: Ooh! Ooh! Hey, I got it! We got it!

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist) Excuse me.

Receptionist: (Holds up her hand. She is on the phone.) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. Yeah, well the label promises nutty goodness.

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out. Sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, look, look. Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.

Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this-- (she gives him an evil look and the guys back off.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!

Monica: Thank God.

Rachel: Food! (She goes to answer the door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don't even have a "pla."

Pizza Guy: Hi. One, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No. No, no. That's not what we ordered. We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not G. Stephanopoulos? Oh, man, my dad's gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say G. Stephanopoulos?

Pizza Guy: Yeah. Yeah, this one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead! Bonehead!

Phoebe: Hey, no. When you do that, you're only hitting yourself.

Monica: Wait, was this a-a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Monica: Was-was he wearing a stunning blue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh, God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?

Monica: What? Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos's pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who is George Snuffleupagus?

Phoebe: (Laughing) That's Big Bird's friend.

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: You know, the White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him! The little guy? Oh, I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait. Wait, I see a woman.

Monica: Tell me it's his mother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no.

Phoebe: Oh, wait. She's walking across the floor. She's walking. She's walking. She's going for the pizza. Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming the hockey pucks hitting his forehead. Then he does it to Ross, who glares at Chandler. Chandler goes to the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who is he sleeping with? (She slides the glass panel closed. Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, come on Dora, don't be mad. I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) You know, I feel like I've lost her. (She slides the panel open, he turns back, and it takes him by surprise.) Bah!

Joey: (I a wheel chair) Come on, push me.

Ross: No.

Joey: Come on! Push me!

Ross: No! We're gonna get in trouble.

Joey: Don't be a baby. Push me. Push me.

Ross: (Getting up.) Alright, alright. I'm gonna push you, okay? How about I push you like this? Ha-ha! (Ross gives the wheel chair a strong push, and lets go. Joey rolls away and crashes.) Ha, now you're going to be in a wheelchair the reast of your life, pally-wally... (He turns to see a badly injured man in multiple casts, in another wheelchair.) ...wally, wow. I'm so very sorry. Can I sign you?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Lights still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Well, maybe they're napping.

Rachel: Oh, please. They're having sex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, what do you think George is like?

Monica: I think he's shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then when you do, he's a preppy animal.

Rachel: Mmm!

Phoebe: What you you think the guys are like?

Monica: Our guys?

Phoebe: Yeah, our guys.

Rachel: Oh. I don't know. I feel funny talking about that.

Monica: Oh, come on.

Rachel: Okay. Well, I bet Joey's like one of those little kiddie rides out in front of a supermarket. You know, you just have to put the quarter in and it just goes.

Phoebe: I don't know. I think he might surprise you. One time, he was helping me put on my coat and he was really tender.

(Cut to a shot of Joey at a hospital vending machine, trying to get candy out.)

Joey: Come on, baby. Come on, let's go. (He's working the machine's lever faster and faster and it finally releases.) Yes!

(Cut back to the girls.)

Phoebe: Now, Chandler's hard to read. He's like one of those repressed guys that you would have to seduce.

Monica: I think that's part of the act. I have a feeling that Chandler is a lot more sophisticated that he seems.

(Cut to Chander at the receptionist desk at the hospital. He knocks on the glass. The receptionist opens it. He's comically decked out in scraps of hospital supplies, saying nothing.)

Phoebe: You know who's kind of sexy?

Monica: Don't.

Phoebe: Ross.

Monica: No. Guys, please! He is my brother.

Rachel: No, I know exactly what you mean. He can be really smooth.

(Cut to Ross awkwardly trying to deal with his injured nose in the hospital. He can't get the cup of ice water against his nose, so he just throws the whole contents into his own face.)

Rachel: God, I mean, can't you just picture him in bed?

Monica: I really don't want to.

(Phoebe and Rachel laugh.)

Rachel: (to Monica) Come on, laugh. Laugh.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlight coming in through the open window, and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon. The glow. The magical feeling. You did this part. Could I get some painkillers over here, please?

Joey: He's right. Enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time. So what? You slept with her for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated.

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?

Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you.

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carol was (he mumbles the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one-- (He gets a look too) Oh.

Joey: Oh, boy. Hockey was a big mistake. There's a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable. Ha-haaa!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

Phoebe: You'd already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: Just a couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that's nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway. The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?

Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one. (To Phoebe) She was a big girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least big girls don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right where we've been looking all night.

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the-- Wow.

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?

Chandler: I think it's great. You know, it's sweet. It's romantic.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, are you kidding? The guy's a freak. I judge him. (Ross returns from treatment.)

Both: Hey, man. Hey, buddy.

Ross: (Showing off his facial splint.) Huh? Huh? (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose. He tosses some forms onto the reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh, come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?

Joey: Oh, uh, the kid has it.

Ross: The kid? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's-that's my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you-- (to Chandler) I can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh, gimme back my puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: Yes, how about. Come here. Gimmie!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough housing in my ER!

Ross: (tries to yank it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp, across the room, and knocks down the receptionist)

Ross: Now that was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.

Monica: We could've played Monopoly, but no.

(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it. A man silently hands him the cushion which Rachel had dropped from the balcony.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe bends over in front of Joey, which reminds him of a sexual position).

Joey: Ross, switch places with me and Phoebe could be your number two, huh?

Phoebe: What?

Ross: Nothing. It's a Twister thing. The rules are on the back of the box.

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: No! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the Twister mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I-I'm okay, really.

Ross: (Still giving Twister instructions.) Green. The green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) No. No. Never-- never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left. Aww! (They all collapse)

Rachel: (Hangs up the phone, and sighs with content.) I'm fine.

End